Tag Archives: mama - Page 2

And more

More death in the family. A cousin a few days ago (sudden illness, I think), and a not-yet-3-month-old cousin on Tuesday (most likely SIDS, I’m told).

I’m having trouble keeping track, but I’m pretty sure this brings the count to 10, starting with my mother. So 10 deaths in 3 months.

It’s all overwhelming.

I woke up upset anyway, too. I had a dream about my mom, and I was fighting with her. I woke up feeling guilty about it, and all I wanted to do was call her.

I do sometimes talk to her, but it’s so hard to do that because I start to completely break down. And when that happens, it really scares JR. I don’t want to scare him, so I talk to her more when I’m alone. He’ll come up to me, put his hand on my head, and say “No cry.” That just breaks my heart, and makes him incredibly upset when I cry, so I try not to in front of him.

I think I was fighting with her in my dream because I’m angry that she’s not here. And that makes me feel guilty too because I feel so selfish for wanting her here with ME when she was ready to go.

I’m really worried about my aunt. She’s having a hard time with all of the deaths, and I don’t want to see her lose her light, her will to stay. And as much as she loves talking to me, I know that it hurts her too in ways I can’t describe.

I’ve just been railing at god, and I just want to know why. Why all of this. Why now. And I know I won’t get any answers.

Satellite, Schmatellite

Someone tell me why satellite dishes cost so freakin’ much?

I’m trying to price dishes and installation costs for our new place. The quote I got this morning: $1500. Is it just me, or is that ridiculous?

I’m very partial to PBS, CNN, ESPN, and a couple of regular shows like Grey’s, House, and reruns of Charmed. But if I can’t find a company to either provide the dishes or install them for a whole lot less than what I was quoted by Lou’s TV, then we’re going to have to seriously reevaluate whether having satellite/cable/tv is worth it.

What would y’all do?

Return to Me

Bound and binding
Binding bound
See the sight
Hear the sound
What was lost
Now is found
Bound and binding
Binding bound.

We Love You, Mama


I am adrift in a sea of emotions
Waves of relief, nostalgia, grief, rage
All take their turns washing over me
Drowning me
There is no horizon, no solace
Just the pressure of the moment, and the next
While I drift without direction, as though without a rudder
I am adrift at sea, lost, without my mother.

Back Home – 05/20/08

I’m home.

It’s been a long week.

I’ve reconnected with estranged extended family and, among so-called friends, I’ve discovered upon whom I can truly rely.

I made it through this last week sober, by the grace of God, though I started smoking again. I’ve disowned my sisters, their husbands/boyfriends, and their kids. I’ve made a shaky peace with my father.

We got in late last night, and received an email today from my MIL telling us of a death on John’s side of the family. Our deepest sympathies go out to Aunt Joyce’s family in this most trying time.

John is back at work for the next week and a half.

It’s nice to finally be back home, but Lord do I miss my mother.

Rest in peace, mama. (05/13/08)

I was too late. :(

She passed away peacefully in her sleep at 530 pm. I was on the road, 3-1/2 hours from town, and deep in the mountains where there are no cell phone signals. Yet my phone rang when my sister called to tell me mom had just passed. And as soon as all the information was conveyed to me, the signal disappeared.

Then we got a flat tire 10 minutes outside town.

We came by my parents’ house, dropped off my dog, grieved briefly with my father, left my son with my sister, then went to see my mother.

She was washed, laid out nicely, but cold. I was too late.

I told her several things. I’ll continue to tell her several things. I cried, I kissed her forehead, I held her hand. I told her lots of things. I told her she was a wonderful mommy.

I’m at her house now, filled with her grandkids and great-grandkids, and it feels so strange to be here without her, to know that she is gone.

I don’t know what to expect next.

The matriarch of my family is gone. It seems as though I’m becoming my own next matriarch, if that makes any sense.

I am so glad that her pain is gone, and that she is finally at rest, but I have such a longing in my heart, and an anger I can’t describe.

I love my mommy. Rest in peace.

May Update

This is a book, just to let you know.

We went down to visit my parents weekend before last, and my mom wasn’t sounding well so I took her to the ER. They said she had pneumonia, and sent us home. Saturday she sounded worse, so we brought her back. They admitted her, and by Sunday afternoon she was seeming better so John and I went home (since John had to be at work Monday morning).

Monday evening I get a call from my family telling me I should get back as soon as possible because she’d had a stroke, and things were looking very dire. We didn’t think she’d live out the next day. I was hysterical.

John got a ride home, then drove us down overnight. We got in about 7 am Tuesday morning, and I spent the day at the hospital with her. Since then, she’s had I think one more mini-stroke, and they can’t medicate because of where it all happened or she’ll bleed out. She was looking at potential kidney failure, and her liver was already in overload picking up the slack, all on top of having her pneumonia, diabetes, and congestive heart failure.

It’s been a rough week. She is improving, and it’s looking like she’ll be hospitalized for many weeks. John, JR, and I have all picked up some nasty bug from spending so much time in the ER and hospital. I didn’t even want to do an overnight visit with her because I didn’t want to get her sick.

We took JR to the ER a couple of times. They’d given him an antibiotic for bronchiolitis. Then he started throwing up after we’d give it to him. The second time he did that, we took him back to the ER. They decided not to use any antibiotics, x-rayed his chest/bowels, deemed it a virus, gave us their sympathy, and sent us on our way. John and I are coughing up some nasty green goop. Today JR’s diaper blew out with some foul poo, poor guy.

We’re considering moving down toward the town my parents live in, and if we do that we’re going to move my mother in with us so I can become her full-time caretaker. That would put me in the middle of a million family dramas and battles, but my mommy is worth it. She’s been deemed a good candidate for a stroke rehab program at a different hospital, so she should be transferred there this week. All in all, I think she’s looking at about another 3 weeks in the hospital. It’s her right side that is affected, but she’s regaining strength slowly. She’s certainly determined to get better.

We came back home for the week (so John could finally go back to work), and it’s nice to be here so that we can all mentally regroup. It’s been a hell of a time.

Our Move

As most of you already know, we moved from Fairbanks to Delta Junction the weekend after Valentine’s Day. I’m still unpacking.

We got 90% of our errands run on Feb 15th (also my 29th birthday), then tried to do some last minute packing. We took one load out to the house in Delta, then went back to our old house for the night. Saturday, after some hassle, John finally got the U-Haul. He loaded it once and drove that out to the new house while I packed, and it was all in all a long day. Sunday, we loaded up the last of our stuff and drove it out.

At the new house — a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath log house (with a walk-in closet that I love) — John unloaded the last of our stuff and I set to unpacking. He drove back to Fairbanks to clean the old apartment. After an hour or so, I noticed it was rapidly cooling off. A couple of frantic calls later, and many layers of clothing later, the fuel guy put heating fuel in our tank and we had heat again. It’s good to have heat.

We’re still getting everything in its place, and still amassing a list of things that we need to get to make the place as comfortable and thermally sound as we can. All in all, things are turning out very nicely, and I love our new home.

I was a bit of a brat when I emailed everyone a picture of an ice fishing house and said it was our new place. No, we aren’t living on a frozen lake. No, the ice fishing house isn’t really part of our property. No, really. Our new place is actually quite nice, and we love all the space it offers us. At least I cracked myself up with the picture prank I pulled. I think I’m funny. That’s all that counts, right?

We do actually have a great “Home Sweet Home.”

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