Tag Archives: blogging

30 Days of Truth

I gave this a very brief go in the past. Time to try it again. It’ll probably take me a lot longer than 30 days, since I have a tendency to forget to journal some days. At any rate, it should be fun to do again. Who’s with me?

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Whoa.

Holy absentee blogger, Batman!

I’ve sort of been writing.  Elsewhere.  Stuff more for me and less for public consumption.  I just haven’t been writing enough, which is likely why I feel… congested? emotionally.  Time for a cathartic dump.

I’ve been exhausted, aching, and/or ill, for what seems like for.ev.er.  I have depression/anxiety/panic issues, and fibromyalgia, and chronic back pain from an ancient injury.  Those are all the basics that are with me on an almost daily basis.  I’ve had in increase in migraines (complete with aura, awesome), a resurgence of insomnia, an uptick in panic attack intensity and frequency, and some unexplained diffuse lymphadenopathy which hit me like a freight train.  And this has all just been my shit.  Each of the kids has had their own (typical, uneventful, unremarkable, viral) illness, and John has had his fair share of ickies.

So through all this shit, a lot of things have taken a back burner.  This blog was one.  My spinning.  My painting.  My knitting too, on occasion. Reading, some writing, most frivolous/fun things.

I’ve spent more time primping and preening.  I figure if I feel like absolute shit, I will at least look good.  Hot, even.

I listen to more music than before. [Side note: each of the kids has a distinct musical preference. JR = bluegrass/jam bands, classic rock. Mia = ’80s hair, metal, industrial.  River = r&b and hip hop.  These are usually incompatible genres, often leading to musical chaos and at least one disappointed child.  Thank goodness for Pandora.]

I text more, play Words with Friends, nurse an ever-teething baby.

River’s not really a baby anymore.  He’s 26+ lbs of adventure, charm, and mischief.  He turned ONE YEAR OLD on July 3.  My Itty Bitty Baby Boy is ONE.  It’s amazing, and kind of heartbreaking.  (He got cake.  He loved it.  He took his first steps just days before that.)

I’ve reconnected with some really great people.  My friends and my music have really gotten me through some crappy times these last few months.  Thank you.

My lymph nodes are all starting to calm down, finally.  My spleen still hurts, but it too is on the mend.  I have medication for the panic attacks and insomnia.  Now that I’m getting at least 4 hours of sleep a night and am in less pain, I’m starting to feel like things are looking up.

Maybe I’ll get over this mental block I have about sharing certain things and y’all might see some more posts.

Pictures soon, promise!

Wee li’l bit of ol’ me

I’ve got a bunch of blog drafts that just haven’t been finished/published.  But thanks to my friend at Ripped & Frogged, I’m stealing the idea from her post today and jumping in on A Wee Bit of Me Wednesdays with myleighashley.

{one} what color is your kitchen? One wall is taupe/tan, and one is this horrid institutional green.  I’m desperate to repaint it.  I’m thinking a rich deep red.


{two} do you have a good luck charm? I like to think of my pinky ring — a deeply colored amethyst set in white gold — as my good luck charm.  My mother gave it to me years ago.

{three} do you prefer to write with a pen or pencil? Pen.  Purple ink.  If it’s a pencil, it has to be stupid sharp.

{four} can you use chopsticks? Yes, and only within the last 8 months.  We went out for Chinese on a random afternoon after River was born, and I picked up the chopsticks and could just use them.

{five} do you prefer baths or showers? Showers, definitely.  Baths on rare occasion, with candles and smelly pretty stuff.

{six} what is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch.  Not very imaginitive.

{seven} can you sing the alphabet backwards? Yes!  And with some great speed.  It was a skill that was finely honed on barroom stools many many years ago.

{eight} do you have any allergies? Aspirin, compazine, phenergan, some/most cats, mold, pollen, possibly dust, penicillin, willful ignorance.

{nine} crunchy or creamy peanut butter? Creamy and raw almond butter, please.

{ten} have you ever hitch hiked? Yes, when I was 17 or 18 and my truck broke down on the Parks Hwy in the middle of winter, when no one knew where I was, when I’d left, where I was going, etc.  I might not be here today if someone hadn’t stopped for me.

In summation…

Randomly, on another Tuesday:

  • I miss Melinda.  I’m talking to my little brother Michael again.  I’m talking to my sisters again.  I miss mama.  Loss is lonely, and each one exacerbates the others.
  • The flights down to Texas weren’t too bad.  Long, but not bad.
  • San Antonio was extremely warm the first several days, then cooled off to something tolerable for this Eskimo.
  • The kids had heaping tons of fun with Mimi, Popo, Aunt B, Uncle Schim, and cousins Matthew/Chewy, Nolan, and Colin.
  • They also had a great time with Uncle Lawrence, Aunt Susan, Brennan, and Uncle Ables.
  • Fun was also had at Chuck E Cheese’s with Uncle Alex, Aunt Kimberly, Adriana, Pops, Kyle, and Camden, Aunt Tasha, and cousins Morgan, Trent, and Natalie.
  • Miss Sally liked being chased by the kids, though she tried to pretend otherwise.  Lucky adored Milla.
  • Camilla is “kah-MEE-lah”.  We call her Milla (MEE-yah).  I’ve also written it as Mi’a.  She calls herself Illa/Iya/I’a (pronounced EE-yah).  Aunt B noted that it’s spelled/pronounced like tortilla.  I think this is going to stick with my poor girl forever now.
  • I got a tattoo by Jedidia Reid, owner of Element Tattoo Studio in San Antonio.  I LOVE it.
  • There will be a ton of photos uploaded in the coming weeks.
  • I hated the trip up to Chicago more than words can capture.
  • I loved being in Aurora/Chicago with Aunt Cara, Uncle Mike, and cousins Maddie, Ryan, and Tori.
  • The wind and humidity there make their winter just as cold and unforgiving as ours.
  • They have so much snow that I’m jealous.
  • I didn’t think I could be jealous of precipitation.  I am.
  • The trip back to Fairbanks was long, but nowhere near as bad as the one to O’Hare.
  • We picked up some kind of icky flu-ish/cold-ish bug that has us all feverish, with deep, racking coughs.
  • That hasn’t diminished the pleasure of being back home.
  • We all miss our friends, family, and travels.
  • We wish y’all were closer, and that we could see you more often.  Preferably through teleportation.
  • I’m trying to put the house back together, and will update with more details and pictures when I can.
  • And lastly:

  • Bubbles are awesome.  (recorded in summer 2010)

Random on a Tuesday

  • My youngest sister, Melinda, died at 25 on January 14, 2011.
  • We drove to Anchorage for a small memorial service for her, held on Friday, January 21, 2011.
  • It’s got me mourning my mother all over again.
  • The kids got to play with Grandpa, cousins Faith, Caleb, and Vicky, Aunts Jessie, Tasha, & Sandee, and Uncle Darrell.
  • We took family photos at my parents’ house, courtesy of Sandee Rice Photography.
  • Back at the hotel, we took the kids down to the swimming pool.  They had a blast.
  • The chlorine in the pool did crazy tightening things to the dreads forming at the back of my head.
  • Bouncing Bears is the coolest place to get kids worn out before a long road trip.
  • The living room floor is the greatest place to roll around after many long hours cooped up in car seats.
  • The wolf and the orca share the same animal spirit in Yup’ik lore.  These are the two animals I debated between in trying to identify the animal essence of my youngest child River.  JR is a polar bear.  Camilla is a lynx/mountain lion/fox.
  • I’ve spun 4 oz of a pinkish-purplish wool/alpaca batt by Bohoknitterchic Spins into 400+ yards of a fingering weight single.  Melinda loved pink.  I’m going to knit a shawl out of this yarn.
  • I’m knee-deep in laundry that needs to be done before we leave Thursday night on vacation.
  • I get a kitten after we get back.  It will go nicely with the litter box and cat food I got from John for Christmas.
  • I’m planning on getting tattooed in San Antonio and Chicago during the next couple of weeks.
  • I’ll be starting a Little Acorn Learning curriculum for JR and Camilla after our trip.  I’m excited.
  • I definitely need to get back to daily workouts.  They’ve fallen by the wayside with a marked increase in fibro pain.
  • I nearly forgot how comfortable Vans are until I bought a new pair the other day.
  • I am very clearly doing anything possible to avoid laundry and packing.
  • I have to start all that now, before Thursday gets here.

Sigh.

New.

(I’ll be back with 30 Days of Truth tomorrow-ish.  Just wanted to note this.  Workout: Complete, 20 minutes.  30 Day Shred 1, day 3 in.a.row!  Liking the burn I’m feeling.)

My guys (John and JR) got a much-needed haircut by me tonight, followed by showery freshness.  River practiced keeping his balance sitting up.  John went to bed in hopes of chasing away his chest cold.  Camilla fell asleep on the early side.  JR, River, and I hung out in the living room before they decided to go to sleep before midnight.

I thought about mama, and how we would call each other at midnight each new year, just to check in with each other.  I miss you, mama.  I thought about new year’s eves of past, shook my head, and said a prayer of thanks for my life today.  Sleep eluded me, so I came back out to the living room to do my workout as nearby fireworks rang in the new year.

New.  New goals.  New outlook.  New habits.  New hope.  This year, I’m going to reveal a new me.

Happy New Year.  May you find the newness you seek.

Day 6 of 30 Days of Truth

Day 6:  Something you hope to never do in your life

Workout:  Complete, 30 minutes (30 Day Shred Jump Start, 30 Day Shred 1 — feeling major burn today)

First of all, I am sore.   S.O.R.E.  I didn’t know that just 20 minutes of working out could be so intense.  Yesterday was my first day of the 30 Day Shred program, and it kicked my ass.  Everything was sore this morning.  On the other hand, I slept like a baby last night, deeply, completely, all night.  And it was the first night in a while without nightmares (at least, where I don’t remember having them the next morning).  So bonus all around.

Second of all, I’m down over 6 lbs, and can feel that more is going to come off if I stick with this.

Thirdly, Jillian is crazy.  Her 30 Day Shred is intense, she’s intense, but that’s ok.  I need intense, I think.  She’s bossy, and that works for me.  But she’s crazy.  And my ass hurts.

Moving on.

There are tons of things I hope to never do in my life, just as there are tons of things I hope to do.  I’ll try not to be specific as I don’t want to bring myself down or increase my anxiety since I already have depression and panic/anxiety issues.  I will say, in light of the dietary shifts and increase in workout frequency, that I have a weight number in mind that I hope to never again reach.  I have another number in mind that I’m working toward, but am trying to focus more on increasing my sense of well-being.

Now excuse me while I go collapse for a while.  Whew.

Day 4 of 30 Days of Truth

Day 4:  Something you have to forgive someone else for

Workout:  Complete, 20 minutes   (Cardio Slimdown by Leslie Sansone, Exercise TV On Demand)

The 30 Days of Truth blogging project took a backburner while I got over a bad fall down the last third of my hardwood stairs.  Easing back into it with a 20-minute segment today; didn’t realize how much I’d missed it until now.

Today’s topic: forgiveness.  I don’t forgive easily.  This could be because I generally assume that individuals are essentially good and trustworthy people.  Once I’m crossed (and it takes a bit of effort), that’s pretty much it for me.  (Admittedly, this threshold of tolerance is lower when dealing with people in customer service roles.  It’s one of my flaws.)  I don’t forgive easily.  I can hold a grudge until the cows come home, and I’ve moved enough times that I’m not sure if the cows could find me anymore.

The slights I can think of are either understandable (falling within my general life view) or forgotten-yet-unforgiven.  Sort of that whole idea of “I was mad about something, and I must have had a good reason.”  There are a handful of things that are unforgivable, no matter what.  Some of you who know what they are can probably understand why they’re unforgivable.  The rest of you probably don’t know for a reason.

Hatred that I’ve harbored over the years has mellowed into a comfortable indifference, settling into a lovely disregard.  I’m good with it, so I’ll leave it be.

30 Days of Truth

I read about this blog meme on someone else’s blog, and have decided to give it a go.  This will help “train” me to blog more often, as I’ve been meaning to, and since I’m not going to let myself do this until I’ve done my home workout for the day, this will also help me burn calories, too.

Day 1:   Something you hate about yourself
Day 2:  Something you love about yourself
Day 3:  Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4:  Something you have to forgive someone else for
Day 5:  Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6:  Something you hope you never have to do
Day 7:  Someone who has made your life worth living
Day 8:  Someone who has made your life hell or treated you badly
Day 9:  Someone you didn’t want to let go, but who drifted
Day 10:  Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know
Day 11:   Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12:   Something you never get compliments on
Day 13:   A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times
Day 14:   A hero that has let you down
Day 15:   Something or someone you couldn’t live without
Day 16:   Something or something you could definitely live without
Day 17:   A book you’ve read that changed your view on something
Day 18:   Your views on gay marriage
Day 19:   What is your opinion of religion?
Day 20:   Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21:   (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you got into a fight a couple of hours before. What do you do?
Day 22:   Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life
Day 23:   Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24:   Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose those songs
Day 25:   The reason you believe you’re still alive today
Day 26:   Have you ever thought about giving up on life?
Day 27:   What’s the best thing you’ve got going for you right now?
Day 28:   What would you do if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) right now?
Day 29:   Something you hope to change about yourself
Day 30:   A letter to yourself

Awesome & Win

The nurse-in last Friday was made of awesome and win.  Thank you all.

I was so proud of the turnout — a photographer from the local newspaper pegged us at over 20+ mamas strong, not including daddies and babies and other supporters.  KUAC-FM mentioned us during the 12 pm newshour before the event.  CBS News 13 interviewed me before the nurse-in, and we were featured in the 6 pm and 11 pm news that night.  Two photos from the event were featured on the front page of the Fairbanks Newsminer the next day.

The energy from the participants was amazing, and the sentiments from passersby seemed largely positive despite a couple of unfortunate encounters.  The media was initially kicked out of the store, but were later invited back in.  John and I guessed that they didn’t want any more bad publicity.

We were there for about an hour inside the store, nursing, visiting with other parents, reveling in the positivity, enjoying the moment.  We had sort of descended on Starbucks en masse, and they were so patient even though I’m sure they were a bit overwhelmed.  The clerk nearest to us was very pleasant and polite.  Management stood by, looking rather nervous or insecure, possibly both.

I’m still so excited that it all went so well.  Overall it was such a wonderful experience.

Click images to enlarge


I’m so proud of the nurse-in, and of all of you out there who came out to support us, or sent your support from wherever you are.

I had mentioned to a few people how I’ve been wanting to expand my social circle, to meet like-minded people to hang out with and have playdates with, and one fabulous mama put it in an  awesome, empowering way:  I manifested a community around me, I manifested friends.  I guess I truly do have powerful magic.  I know I’m blessed to have had the support that I did, that I do.

What a great time it was.  I’m so hopeful that I’ve helped spread the message that there is nothing indecent about breastfeeding, and even more hopeful that at least one more mama will feel comfortable feeding her baby whenever and wherever he’s hungry.

At the nurse-in. Photo by Georganne Hampton, cropped by me.

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