Protected: Letter to my biological father
Posted by Crystal
on August 13, 2011
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Poetry!
Posted by Crystal
on August 3, 2011
1 comment
I used to long to be a published poet. I’ve been hoarding my writings for years, squirreling them away, waiting until I felt like I had enough for an anthology. I decided that I want them out in the world, so they’re going up under the Creative Writings tab. Please, check them out. Let me know what you think of them.
Daddy dearest…
Posted by Crystal
on August 2, 2011
1 comment
…or not.
I was adopted at birth by my biological great aunt, Rose, and her husband, Charlie. I had a good life with them. A better life than Joanne would have been able to give me. I’m grateful to her for loving me enough to give me away.
I knew her growing up, but I knew her as my cousin. I remember feeling connected to her, and seeing her at all the major holidays & family events. She was there for every birthday. She was married, had three kids, separated, then dead. She died of liver failure, having drank herself to death at the age of 30. I sobbed uncontrollably, and surprisingly, at her funeral. I was inconsolable and couldn’t figure out why. Mama and Daddy finally told me the truth about my parentage when I was 13 & 14.
Mama was the best mother I could have asked for. We were close. It’s been a little over three years since she died of heart failure, and I miss her immensely. Daddy was a good provider. We never had the best relationship, but we’ve definitely made great improvements to that since I married and had kids of my own.
I sought out my biological father, RN, once, several years back. I corresponded with the man I suspected of DNA contribution. He was married, with kids, and didn’t want to jeopardize his family life by introducing an adulterous love chlid, so he didn’t want anything to do with me.
I moved out of town, married, had kids. I also had/have medical problems. I want to know my parentage, and their medical histories. I can’t ask Joanne anymore, though I might be able to get her records with my original birth certificate. I want to ask RN. Court records show he has since divorced, among other less pedestrian things.
A friend of mine suggested that I list three things I demand to know of him. I plan on emailing/messaging him when I have something written out. I want a medical history. I want pictures of him. I want to know what he remembers of Joanne. I have a million other vague questions, but no idea which ones are most pertinent. I’m curious about any biological siblings that are out there. I’m not looking for a relationship with him. I already have a dad.
How do I phrase such a random, awkward letter to him?
so many years
Posted by Crystal
on July 14, 2011
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I prefer left-wing news
I like dark chocolate at night
I wear red lipstick and dresses
and sometimes I’ll pick a fight
I curl my hair and wear high heels
I go to sleep with a light on
I can cook seven course meals
I miss mama like crazy ’cause she’s gone
I can grow plants from seeds
I’m terribly frightened of stairs
I’m afraid that I’m sick
I’m more afraid that no one cares
I keep my hands busy with yarn
and my favorite season is fall
my heart races like a schoolgirl’s
every single time that you call
I have a picket fence and garage
I have three kids, a dog, and cat
I’m a strong loving mother
but I’m so much more than that
I’m creative and witty
I’m sarcastic and smart
I can be really mean
but I have a huge heart
I want to travel and write
I want to paint and to dance
I want to go to the beach
and be surprised by romance
I dreamed I burned dinner
and there was a scenic view
it’s been so many years
and I’m still dreaming of you.
so if, out on the street,
you’d just met me today,
would you choose me again?
or would you walk the other way?
Whoa.
Posted by Crystal
on July 11, 2011
1 comment
Holy absentee blogger, Batman!
I’ve sort of been writing. Elsewhere. Stuff more for me and less for public consumption. I just haven’t been writing enough, which is likely why I feel… congested? emotionally. Time for a cathartic dump.
I’ve been exhausted, aching, and/or ill, for what seems like for.ev.er. I have depression/anxiety/panic issues, and fibromyalgia, and chronic back pain from an ancient injury. Those are all the basics that are with me on an almost daily basis. I’ve had in increase in migraines (complete with aura, awesome), a resurgence of insomnia, an uptick in panic attack intensity and frequency, and some unexplained diffuse lymphadenopathy which hit me like a freight train. And this has all just been my shit. Each of the kids has had their own (typical, uneventful, unremarkable, viral) illness, and John has had his fair share of ickies.
So through all this shit, a lot of things have taken a back burner. This blog was one. My spinning. My painting. My knitting too, on occasion. Reading, some writing, most frivolous/fun things.
I’ve spent more time primping and preening. I figure if I feel like absolute shit, I will at least look good. Hot, even.
I listen to more music than before. [Side note: each of the kids has a distinct musical preference. JR = bluegrass/jam bands, classic rock. Mia = '80s hair, metal, industrial. River = r&b and hip hop. These are usually incompatible genres, often leading to musical chaos and at least one disappointed child. Thank goodness for Pandora.]
I text more, play Words with Friends, nurse an ever-teething baby.
River’s not really a baby anymore. He’s 26+ lbs of adventure, charm, and mischief. He turned ONE YEAR OLD on July 3. My Itty Bitty Baby Boy is ONE. It’s amazing, and kind of heartbreaking. (He got cake. He loved it. He took his first steps just days before that.)
I’ve reconnected with some really great people. My friends and my music have really gotten me through some crappy times these last few months. Thank you.
My lymph nodes are all starting to calm down, finally. My spleen still hurts, but it too is on the mend. I have medication for the panic attacks and insomnia. Now that I’m getting at least 4 hours of sleep a night and am in less pain, I’m starting to feel like things are looking up.
Maybe I’ll get over this mental block I have about sharing certain things and y’all might see some more posts.
Pictures soon, promise!
Seriously?
Posted by Crystal
on June 20, 2011
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After the complete nonsensical stress that my body apparently has been under for the last couple months, the last thing I needed was to come to my diary-blog today and find that SOME ASSHOLE HAD HACKED IT, AGAIN.
Seriously?
Why the fuck was it necessary to hack my fucking site? Does this little bitty blog generate that much net traffic that I’m a viable target? Bullshit.
Anyway. I guess if I’ve got haters I must be doing something right.
Randomly, and in no particular order:
Posted by Crystal
on April 22, 2011
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Femmer is getting bigger and more rambunctious. He’s a very pretty, very talkative kitty. He really loves it when I take the pet hair slicker to him, usually comes when called, and will stand on his hind legs to get a yummy treat. Camilla is his favorite person though. He tried to curl up on her when she’s sleeping. Sometimes this wakes her up, which makes her furious, and then they both cry. Still kind of cute.
Femmer, sleeping on the couch. (Click to enlarge.)
Buffle is bulking up, and is totally happy hanging out in the back yard sniffing at strange things. Surely spring has sprung. She’s a bloody stupid dog, but she’s mine, and she makes me smile anyway (even if she can never find the ball once I’ve thrown it). She puts up incredibly well with the kids using her as a jungle gym and trying to ride her like a horse. Stupid horse dog. She just licks them.
Muttley, the ferocious pine cone chaser. (Click to enlarge.)
I found out last month that my baby sister Melinda died of dilated cardiomyopathy. Miss you, Sissy.
Dad fell, broke his ankle, spent a few days in the hospital, gave us all a scare. We went down, spent some time near him. The kids, of course, love playing with their Grandpa. It was bittersweet for me to spend a few days in my parents’ house; I miss my mama terribly, but I enjoyed having my kids play in the house I grew up in.
There was inevitable bullshit drama with my sisters. I give up. I hope they find peace and happiness because, until then, they’re just going to continue to tear others down to make themselves feel better. Sad.
I finally got to hang out with my dear friend Kelley and her daughter Jazmynn — twice! Our kids had a great time together, and I’m so glad to have reconnected with Kell. We need to make damn sure we don’t let another 4 years go by without seeing each other again!
I never showed off my new ink here! I’m absolutely in love with my new tattoo (that I got at the beginning of February). Custom work done by Jedidia Reid, owner of Element Tattoo Studio in San Antonio, TX. I vow to only get work done by him, or by an artist recommended by him. I hope he comes up to Fairbanks to do a guest spot!
Photo by Jedi Reid, owner/artist at Element Tattoo Studio, San Antonio, TX. (Click to enlarge.)
I’m trying my hand at a garden for the first time this year. I’ve started seedlings for cherry tomatoes, basil, green onions, summer squash, spinach, carrots, and butternut squash. This weekend, I’m going to get a prefab mini-greenhouse and some planters, start transplanting a few things outside. I love love love the idea of fresh homegrown food!
River can crawl! And pull up on people/furniture! And cruise around it! Poor little guy has another ear infection, but he also has 8 big teeth, and insatiable curiosity and charm. I’m a sucker for him.
River, at a rest stop on the way back up from Anchorage. (Click to enlarge.)
JR & Camilla are getting taller, smarter, funnier, and more charming every day. They have new rain gear and XtraTufs, and just need to search out some huge puddles now. I’ll definitely share those pics once they’re taken!
Wee li’l bit of ol’ me
Posted by Crystal
on March 9, 2011
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I’ve got a bunch of blog drafts that just haven’t been finished/published. But thanks to my friend at Ripped & Frogged, I’m stealing the idea from her post today and jumping in on A Wee Bit of Me Wednesdays with myleighashley.
{one} what color is your kitchen? One wall is taupe/tan, and one is this horrid institutional green. I’m desperate to repaint it. I’m thinking a rich deep red.
{two} do you have a good luck charm? I like to think of my pinky ring — a deeply colored amethyst set in white gold — as my good luck charm. My mother gave it to me years ago.
{three} do you prefer to write with a pen or pencil? Pen. Purple ink. If it’s a pencil, it has to be stupid sharp.
{four} can you use chopsticks? Yes, and only within the last 8 months. We went out for Chinese on a random afternoon after River was born, and I picked up the chopsticks and could just use them.
{five} do you prefer baths or showers? Showers, definitely. Baths on rare occasion, with candles and smelly pretty stuff.
{six} what is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch. Not very imaginitive.
{seven} can you sing the alphabet backwards? Yes! And with some great speed. It was a skill that was finely honed on barroom stools many many years ago.
{eight} do you have any allergies? Aspirin, compazine, phenergan, some/most cats, mold, pollen, possibly dust, penicillin, willful ignorance.
{nine} crunchy or creamy peanut butter? Creamy and raw almond butter, please.
{ten} have you ever hitch hiked? Yes, when I was 17 or 18 and my truck broke down on the Parks Hwy in the middle of winter, when no one knew where I was, when I’d left, where I was going, etc. I might not be here today if someone hadn’t stopped for me.
Homemade Spinach Dal
Posted by Crystal
on March 7, 2011
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By popular demand, here’s my easy recipe for homemade spinach dal. I know there are more complex, more authentic ways to make this, but I was going for quick, sufficiently tasty, and convenient using things I already had on hand. Still came out yum! and the use of a rice cooker makes things infinitely easier (as well as gives me a timer of sorts).
- (3) cups long grain white rice (or substitute your favorite type of grain)
- (1) cup lentils
- (1) 13.5 oz can of leaf spinach, drained
- (1) 15 oz can of garbanzo beans (chickpeas), drained
- (1) 10 oz can Rotel (diced tomatoes with diced green chilies), lightly drained
- (1) clove garlic, minced
- (1-1/2) tsp onion powder (or 1 medium onion, chopped, lightly sauteed)
- (3/4) tsp sea salt
- (3/4) tsp ground turmeric
- (1) tsp ground cumin
- (1/4) tsp ground ginger
- (1/8) tsp ground cardamom
In rice cooker, combine 3 cups long grain white rice with appropriate amount of water for your rice cooker. Or just cook on the stove top.
In small saucepan, combine 2 cups of water and 1 cup of lentils. Bring to a boil, then lower heat and let simmer for 15-20 minutes.
While lentils are cooking, combine the remaining ingredients in a large saucepan. Mix well, bring to a near-boil, then lower heat and let simmer.
When lentils are done, add to the spinach mixture, combining thoroughly. Continue simmering until chickpeas are soft, or until the rice is done, whichever comes first.
Serve while hot over a plate of fluffed rice, preferably with fresh naan. Revel in knowing that you just made a super healthy, super low-fat, nutrient-packed meal!
Enter the cat
Posted by Crystal
on March 4, 2011
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I haven’t blogged in a while, so I have tons to catch up on. New posts will trickle in. First, enter the cat.
Now presenting… Femmer, the Incredible Purr-Monster!
We adopted a one-year-old cat from the animal shelter on Wednesday. I met him Tuesday evening, but “visiting” hours were over so I could not adopt him until Wednesday. It was fun, having the whole family meet him before taking him home, because they all fell for him like I did. And he doesn’t set off my allergies! At least, not so far as I’ve noticed yet, and I should have noticed something by now if it was going to happen, I think.
He’s social, talkative, a CONSTANT purr-er, playful, not aggressive, and loves to get cracked out on catnip. He’s my first kitty since I was like 4 or 5, so he’s kind of like my first kitty since I wasn’t primary caregiver of the one I had back then, and we didn’t have that one for long anyway. Femmer seems SO grateful to be here, adores the kids, tolerates the dog, and loves to purr. Now that he’s here, it just seems right to have him, like he fits in to our house and our family.
