Four years ago, my mama spoke her last words to me on Mother’s Day.  I called her hospital room to wish her a happy mother’s day, to tell her how much I loved her, to give her the slightest idea of what she meant to me.  Three weeks before, she wanted me to come see her.  When I got there, she was ill, and I made her go to the hospital.  I didn’t know how bad things were going to get.  She had congestive heart failure, then had a stroke, so she couldn’t speak very long.  She did manage to tell me, “I love you.  Thanks for calling.”

Two days later, she was gone.  I was just a couple hours outside of town.  I didn’t make it there fast enough.  I didn’t know how hard it was going to be.  I just didn’t get there fast enough.

Every single day since then, I’ve missed my mama.  She was my rock.  She was a force of nature.

She knew everything about me, was my closest friend, and loved me more than I can convey.

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been four years since she died.  So very much has happened, but it doesn’t feel any easier accepting that she’s really gone.  As a mother, Mother’s Day should be magical for me but, this year, it’s just heartbreaking.  This year, it seems like I’m just marking time.

I’ll do something special with my kids today, tell stories about my mama, try to hold down the fort until John comes home from a long hitch.  It’ll all be bittersweet, though, because I wish she could know my kids.  She got to spend time with JR, but she never got to meet Camilla or River.  I can’t talk to her late at night when neither of us can sleep, I can’t go play bingo with her, I can’t hear her laugh, I can’t hug her, I can’t lay my head in her lap, I can’t be hugged or kissed.  I can’t go back in time and make myself stay at her bedside.  I can’t tell her all the things I hope she knew — how much I miss her, how much she means to me, how much she amazed me, how much I love her.

I tell her these things every day, still, and just hope that she hears it all from wherever she’s resting now.

I love you, Mama.  Always.

Hair:  Feria, Havana Medium Brown; got2B Glued spiking gel; cut by me
Glasses:  Cover Girl frames in Plum
Earrings:  James Avery sterling silver “Mother’s Love” leverbacks, diamond stud, James Avery “Rose” sterling silver post
Necklace:  James Avery sterling silver cable chain, James Avery “Mother’s Love” sterling silver pendant
Shirt:  Old Navy fitted scoopneck, Stainless Steel
Fragrance:  Dolce & Gabbana, Rose the One
Face:
Tinted moisturizer — Miracle Skin Transformer SPF 20, Medium
Mineral foundation — Prestige Skin Loving Minerals, Medium Beige
Bronzer/blush — Too Faced Brightening & Perfecting Bronzer, Peach Leopard
Eyelid primer — Smashbox Photo Finish Lid Primer
Eyebrows — Sephora Retractable Brow Pencil, waterproof, Midnight Brown
Eyeshadow — Too Faced, Romantic Eye palette.  Lid: Kiss the Bride. Outer lid/crease: First Dance.
Eyeliner — MAC Liquidlast pen liner, Point Black
Mascara — Dior Diorshow Iconic, black
Lips — MAC Prep & Prime. Kat Von D Liquid Lipstick, Lolita
Finishing — Urban Decay All Nighter Long-Lasting Makeup Setting Spray.  Guerlain L’OR Radiance Concentrate w/Pure Gold

3 cups calrose rice
3 cups chicken stock or broth

2 Tbsp olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
4 large celery stalks, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 bunch of greens, chopped (kale, chard, collards, etc.)
1 Tbsp minced garlic

1 can diced tomatoes
1 can black beans
1 can great northern beans
1 can red beans
3-4 cups chicken broth
1 palmful sea salt
1 palmful dried oregano
1/2 palmful dried thyme
1/4 palmful black pepper
2 bay leaves
1 palmful dried parsley
1/4 palmful cayenne pepper

1 lb smoked sausage, cut into 1/4″ thick slices then cut in half
1/2 to 1 lb chicken pieces (leftover chicken is perfect)

375* for an hour. Pour off excess fat. 10 more minutes, pour off excess fat, make incisions. 10-15 more minutes, pour off excess fat, set to cool.

I turned 33. The day itself was nice enough. Then I got word that my cousin Ignatius – Iggy – had hung himself. Sad.

Mia turned 3. She spent the day, like most, cheerful and excited. Thursday night we had cake & presents when John came home. Purple kitty boots, pink heart rain boots, “floppers,” and art supplies. Daddy did awesome.

Saturday night John took me out to dinner. We tried Vallata, Pump House, called Turtle Club, drove by Gambardella’s, wound up at Bobby’s. After, we picked up the kids and drove out looking for the aurora and stars. Awesome night.

Yesterday, John took the older 2 to see Mr Justin and Miss Hannah. Peanut and I stayed home since he was vomiting. I finished The Great and Secret Show, started Mrs Dalloway.

Today I started writing, again. Feels totally awesome to have words flowing, to have a character coming together out of nothing. Now, I’m going to get ready for a day of shopping & hanging out with sweetie.