Did it hurt so bad? It must have, whatever it was
because I’ve spent a lifetime in search
of an escape, a distraction, an anesthetic
to block out the pain, to make me go numb against it
there are a thousand justifications I’ve uttered
while looking for some external validation
some of them could have a ring of truth but most
are just bullshit and more simpering
than I ever wanted to be
there may have been a reason to begin with
perhaps not but it’s brought me here
stripped of escape and excuse
every hair standing on end, eyes darting
skin crawling, nerves raw and screaming
while the civil war resumes
self-love and self-loathing fighting it out
turning my insides into a battlefield
from which there is no exit
no choice but to feel this, despite all my yearning
to shut it off, shut it out
and just be numb.

© Crystal S. McDonald.