Category Archives: writing - Page 2

Random on a Tuesday

Posted by on January 25, 2011 1 comment
  • My youngest sister, Melinda, died at 25 on January 14, 2011.
  • We drove to Anchorage for a small memorial service for her, held on Friday, January 21, 2011.
  • It’s got me mourning my mother all over again.
  • The kids got to play with Grandpa, cousins Faith, Caleb, and Vicky, Aunts Jessie, Tasha, & Sandee, and Uncle Darrell.
  • We took family photos at my parents’ house, courtesy of Sandee Rice Photography.
  • Back at the hotel, we took the kids down to the swimming pool.  They had a blast.
  • The chlorine in the pool did crazy tightening things to the dreads forming at the back of my head.
  • Bouncing Bears is the coolest place to get kids worn out before a long road trip.
  • The living room floor is the greatest place to roll around after many long hours cooped up in car seats.
  • The wolf and the orca share the same animal spirit in Yup’ik lore.  These are the two animals I debated between in trying to identify the animal essence of my youngest child River.  JR is a polar bear.  Camilla is a lynx/mountain lion/fox.
  • I’ve spun 4 oz of a pinkish-purplish wool/alpaca batt by Bohoknitterchic Spins into 400+ yards of a fingering weight single.  Melinda loved pink.  I’m going to knit a shawl out of this yarn.
  • I’m knee-deep in laundry that needs to be done before we leave Thursday night on vacation.
  • I get a kitten after we get back.  It will go nicely with the litter box and cat food I got from John for Christmas.
  • I’m planning on getting tattooed in San Antonio and Chicago during the next couple of weeks.
  • I’ll be starting a Little Acorn Learning curriculum for JR and Camilla after our trip.  I’m excited.
  • I definitely need to get back to daily workouts.  They’ve fallen by the wayside with a marked increase in fibro pain.
  • I nearly forgot how comfortable Vans are until I bought a new pair the other day.
  • I am very clearly doing anything possible to avoid laundry and packing.
  • I have to start all that now, before Thursday gets here.

Sigh.

New.

Posted by on January 1, 2011 No comments

(I’ll be back with 30 Days of Truth tomorrow-ish.  Just wanted to note this.  Workout: Complete, 20 minutes.  30 Day Shred 1, day 3 in.a.row!  Liking the burn I’m feeling.)

My guys (John and JR) got a much-needed haircut by me tonight, followed by showery freshness.  River practiced keeping his balance sitting up.  John went to bed in hopes of chasing away his chest cold.  Camilla fell asleep on the early side.  JR, River, and I hung out in the living room before they decided to go to sleep before midnight.

I thought about mama, and how we would call each other at midnight each new year, just to check in with each other.  I miss you, mama.  I thought about new year’s eves of past, shook my head, and said a prayer of thanks for my life today.  Sleep eluded me, so I came back out to the living room to do my workout as nearby fireworks rang in the new year.

New.  New goals.  New outlook.  New habits.  New hope.  This year, I’m going to reveal a new me.

Happy New Year.  May you find the newness you seek.

Day 6 of 30 Days of Truth

Posted by on December 30, 2010 No comments

Day 6:  Something you hope to never do in your life

Workout:  Complete, 30 minutes (30 Day Shred Jump Start, 30 Day Shred 1 — feeling major burn today)

First of all, I am sore.   S.O.R.E.  I didn’t know that just 20 minutes of working out could be so intense.  Yesterday was my first day of the 30 Day Shred program, and it kicked my ass.  Everything was sore this morning.  On the other hand, I slept like a baby last night, deeply, completely, all night.  And it was the first night in a while without nightmares (at least, where I don’t remember having them the next morning).  So bonus all around.

Second of all, I’m down over 6 lbs, and can feel that more is going to come off if I stick with this.

Thirdly, Jillian is crazy.  Her 30 Day Shred is intense, she’s intense, but that’s ok.  I need intense, I think.  She’s bossy, and that works for me.  But she’s crazy.  And my ass hurts.

Moving on.

There are tons of things I hope to never do in my life, just as there are tons of things I hope to do.  I’ll try not to be specific as I don’t want to bring myself down or increase my anxiety since I already have depression and panic/anxiety issues.  I will say, in light of the dietary shifts and increase in workout frequency, that I have a weight number in mind that I hope to never again reach.  I have another number in mind that I’m working toward, but am trying to focus more on increasing my sense of well-being.

Now excuse me while I go collapse for a while.  Whew.

Day 5 of 30 Days of Truth

Posted by on December 29, 2010 No comments

Looks like I fell down on the blog. Workouts have continued. Blogging did not. My bad.

Day 5:   Something you hope to do in your life
Workout: Complete, 45 minutes (Cardioke, part of 30 Day Shred Day 1 before it kicked my ass)

There are many things I hope to do in my life.  I hope to see my children grow old and have children of their own.  I hope to see a Boston Red Sox game along the 1st base line at Fenway Park.  I hope to see the buildings and sculptures of ancient Greece and Rome.  I hope to see the gray skies and green fields in Ireland.   I hope to get some piece of my writing published.  I hope to make a difference in someone else’s life for the better.  I hope to continue to better myself — mind, body, and soul.

Moon!

Posted by on December 20, 2010 2 comments

Here are a few shots of the lunar eclipse as seen from my front porch.  I wish these had turned out better, but I fear that it’s time to upgrade the camera.  I’d take more, but cloud cover, cold temperatures, and trees seem to be impeding the rest of the eclipse for me.  Nonetheless, it’s soooooo pretty.

Day 4 of 30 Days of Truth

Posted by on December 17, 2010 1 comment

Day 4:  Something you have to forgive someone else for

Workout:  Complete, 20 minutes   (Cardio Slimdown by Leslie Sansone, Exercise TV On Demand)

The 30 Days of Truth blogging project took a backburner while I got over a bad fall down the last third of my hardwood stairs.  Easing back into it with a 20-minute segment today; didn’t realize how much I’d missed it until now.

Today’s topic: forgiveness.  I don’t forgive easily.  This could be because I generally assume that individuals are essentially good and trustworthy people.  Once I’m crossed (and it takes a bit of effort), that’s pretty much it for me.  (Admittedly, this threshold of tolerance is lower when dealing with people in customer service roles.  It’s one of my flaws.)  I don’t forgive easily.  I can hold a grudge until the cows come home, and I’ve moved enough times that I’m not sure if the cows could find me anymore.

The slights I can think of are either understandable (falling within my general life view) or forgotten-yet-unforgiven.  Sort of that whole idea of “I was mad about something, and I must have had a good reason.”  There are a handful of things that are unforgivable, no matter what.  Some of you who know what they are can probably understand why they’re unforgivable.  The rest of you probably don’t know for a reason.

Hatred that I’ve harbored over the years has mellowed into a comfortable indifference, settling into a lovely disregard.  I’m good with it, so I’ll leave it be.

30 Days of Truth

Posted by on December 5, 2010 1 comment

I read about this blog meme on someone else’s blog, and have decided to give it a go.  This will help “train” me to blog more often, as I’ve been meaning to, and since I’m not going to let myself do this until I’ve done my home workout for the day, this will also help me burn calories, too.

Day 1:   Something you hate about yourself
Day 2:  Something you love about yourself
Day 3:  Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4:  Something you have to forgive someone else for
Day 5:  Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6:  Something you hope you never have to do
Day 7:  Someone who has made your life worth living
Day 8:  Someone who has made your life hell or treated you badly
Day 9:  Someone you didn’t want to let go, but who drifted
Day 10:  Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know
Day 11:   Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12:   Something you never get compliments on
Day 13:   A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times
Day 14:   A hero that has let you down
Day 15:   Something or someone you couldn’t live without
Day 16:   Something or something you could definitely live without
Day 17:   A book you’ve read that changed your view on something
Day 18:   Your views on gay marriage
Day 19:   What is your opinion of religion?
Day 20:   Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21:   (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you got into a fight a couple of hours before. What do you do?
Day 22:   Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life
Day 23:   Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24:   Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose those songs
Day 25:   The reason you believe you’re still alive today
Day 26:   Have you ever thought about giving up on life?
Day 27:   What’s the best thing you’ve got going for you right now?
Day 28:   What would you do if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) right now?
Day 29:   Something you hope to change about yourself
Day 30:   A letter to yourself

Reaffirming Myself

Posted by on June 27, 2009 2 comments

Every now and then I think it’s important to reaffirm some things about oneself. So here goes.

* I can be a self-deprecating, judgmental, temperamental, loud, impatient bitch.

* I swear a lot, more than I know I should.

* I’m overweight, and am starting to fully accept and embrace the fact that I will always be robust.

* I am legally blind without my glasses. Bats can see better than I can without my glasses.

* I hate rap. A lot.

* I hate doing dishes. I hate it even more if I’m washing them by hand. I try not to, but it bores the shit out of me.

* I’ve been raped numerous times. I never had the courage to report them.

* I was an addict by the time I was 14.

* I am not to be considered “human” or “awake” until I have ingested my first cup of coffee.

* I love bad movies.

* I eat meat. I saw a bumper sticker that cracked me up: “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, He shouldn’t have made them out of meat.”

* I wear leather and fur too. Well, I own fur. I haven’t sewn it into anything wearable yet.

* I shop at WalMart. I live in the middle of nowhere, and we don’t have a Target yet, so I still shop at Hell.

* I don’t recycle. I wish I did, most of the time, but it’s not easily available where I live.

* I prefer black wood frames for pictures.

* I have OCD. There are some things that have to be done a certain way, every time, or all is not right in my world.

* I dislike vanilla.

* I drink milk from the carton.

* I was a smoker for 15 years. I quit. I still miss smoking, often.

* I hate standing in line at the post office.

* I hate standing in line anywhere, actually.

* I sometimes want to lock myself in the bathroom, light some candles, and take a bubble bath. Or just hide.

* I need about an hour to myself every night, after the husband and the children have gone to sleep, to just be Crystal. I get cranky if this does not happen.

* Sometimes I need more than an hour. Sometimes I feel like I need a month.

* Then I crawl into bed, see the husband and the children sleeping blissfully, and am once again okay.

* I believe in God.

* I do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah. I do not need to be “saved.”

* I cannot ice skate. I can, however, run on Alaskan ice in four-inch heels.

* I prefer to be barefoot.

* I do not regularly shave my legs.

* I love to knit, to learn new techniques, to design, to play with sticks and string.

* I long to be a published poet. I am so grateful that I have started writing again.

* I miss painting.

* I collect coffee mugs.

* I am a staunch liberal. If you know me, you know this.

* I am vehemently pro-choice.

* I enjoy being a housewife and homemaker. So much so that I do not envision returning to work of my own volition. I will if necessary though.

* I try to protect my family from some of the more controversial aspects of myself, for fear of worrying or upsetting them.

* I care less and less about offending other people.

* I sometimes like to piss people off. Just because.

* I regularly crack myself up.

* I am abrasive to many people, largely because I am blunt and opinionated. Oh, and because sarcasm is wasted on some people.

* I am beyond in love with my husband, and I recognize that I am lucky. He gets me. Not only does he get me, he loves me for being me.

* I am memorable.

* I love who I am.

Baby Update, crafts, JR, and such.

Posted by on February 5, 2009 2 comments

I am 16 days away from my due date.  I am as big as a house, and uncomfortable all the time.  I am ready to get this child out of me.  She is not yet ready to come out though.  So be it.  She knows when she’s supposed to be here.  I do not.  I will wait.

JR knows that something is changing with me.  He constantly wants to be climbing on me, and I just can’t deal with it.  I just want personal space.  Poor little guy is in for a major shock when he suddenly finds himself sharing mommy and daddy.  I hope he handles it well.  I think he’s going through another growth spurt; he’s eating constantly. He’ll get to play with another little boy this Friday when we go to town; we’re going to have M watch him for a little while so that JR can get used to her and her son L.  Hopefully he’ll have a good time and get comfortable with them.

We have almost everything we need for Milla’s arrival, except that I still need to sew together the ring sling and prep all of her diapers.  My BFF Melanie is set to come up the last week of the month (also when John is having his sinus surgery).  It’ll be great not only to hang out with her, but to have her help with the kids while John is out of commission.  Besides, I don’t think I could handle having anyone else around the first month or two that Milla is here.  If it were anyone else, I would feel like I would have to play hostess, whether that’s the case or not. I’m just not going to do that, so I’m glad that it’s just Melanie and John who’ll be around after baby comes.

As for my crafting, I’ve got socks for John on the needles using my pattern.  I’m using this beautiful ShiBui Knits Sock yarn that I picked up last weekend at INUA Wool Shoppe.  Isn’t that the cushiest looking yarn?  I know I’ll be getting more.

I’ve decided that I want to make myself a snazzy, stripey sweater with my 1200+ yards of Patons that are back in my stash using this pattern.  It’s not exactly what I want, so I will probably heavily modify it as I go.  I have several other socks planned too, so you should just keep an eye out for me on Ravelry to see what I’m up to.

Let’s see… what else.  Oh, I’m going to go insane if I have to watch The Wizard of Oz one more time this week.  It’s JR’s new favorite movie.  It was cute, the first dozen times.  Now I want to rip all the stuffing out of the Scarecrow, then pull the Lion’s tail.  We’ll see who has a heart now, Tin Man.

25 Things

Posted by on January 27, 2009 1 comment

Once, you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things. At the end, you choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

So I’ve been tagged.  Apparently, by a number of people in a short amount of time.  Seemed easier to blog it, then retag, then read everyone elses randoms.  You may know these things already; if so, bully for you!

1.  I am unpleasant when I wake up; this lasts until I’ve got my first cup of coffee in my hand, probably extending until I’m about halfway through it.  Then I consider myself as having rejoined the human race.

2.  Both of my shoulders have been dislocated before.  As a result, I can now swivel my elbows around to face forward with my hands on my hips.  This makes it look like my arms are attached backwards.  It freaks out my husband.

3.  I have a strong sense of spirituality, though I am not religious.  I am still defining divinity and spirituality for myself, but make no mistake: I am a sensible heathen.

4.  I completely enjoy being a stay-at-home mother and wife, and all that it entails.  But I am more than just my roles.

5.  I love listening to Ani DiFranco on my mp3 player really loudly while I clean house.

6.  I have OCD.  It used to be really, really bad when it came to clutter and cleaning.  Like “Matchstick Men” kind of bad.  Being with John has semi-cured me of that, and I think we’ve found me a happy middle ground.

7.  I am so beyond eager to move back to Fairbanks.  I want to live somewhere that I can easily find like-minded people, people who parent intentionally, think liberally, seek and enjoy natural beautiful things/activities.  I’d prefer this to be among mountains.

8.  One of my favorite breakfasts is home-fried potatoes a la mama, scrambled eggs, toast, and extra crispy bacon.  And don’t forget the coffee.

9.  I’ve watched Blues Clues a million times.  I prefer Steve to Joe.  Joe is a wussy and I want to smack him.

10.  I taught myself to knit a while back, and one can now usually find a sock on the needles in my purse when I’m out.

11.  I miss writing and painting.  I used to do these things regularly, and had been working on a manuscript for publication.  Now I can’t seem to put together the time to devote to a piece, as I need a whole chunk of uninterrupted time to allow my medium to capture my emotion/state of mind.  I will one day soon get myself back to this place to be able to do so.

12.  Once lost, my trust and respect are seldom, if ever, regained.

13.  I have a tremendous bug phobia.  It often triggers panic attacks.

14.  I used to have a sound machine that had ocean waves on it.  I would listen to it as I fell asleep.  I miss it, though I don’t think my husband would like it much.

15.  I have two messages on my answering machine that my mother left me.  I listen to them probably every other day.  It hurts to be reminded that she’s gone, but it’s comforting to know that I can still hear her when I want to.

16.  I still cry myself to sleep some nights about losing her.  I usually tell myself that I should have stayed down there with her, by her side, once she went into the hospital.  That I should have spent more time with her, period.  I wonder if she knew how much I love her, look up to her, and miss her.  I wish she could watch JR grow up, or be here to see her granddaughter.  I worry about whether she was proud of me, or if I made her happy.

17.  I will one day go to Boston to catch a game at Fenway, seated out in front of first base.

18.  I took Russian in high school, and a semester of Spanish in college.  Now the two get mashed together in my head if I try to think or speak in one language or the other.

19.  When I read the newspaper, I am beyond meticulous about how I fold the pages.  I have to read it in a certain order.  I can’t stand it when people rustle the paper and fold/turn the pages all willy nilly.  I know this is irrational.  I am looking forward to getting the paper daily again once we move back to Fairbanks.

20.  My toes are almost always painted a deep burgundy.  I need to repaint them today.

21.  I freak out about dirt under fingernails, or jagged nails.  I always have a nail file in my purse, and I’m constantly running my nails under each other to make sure they’re clear of stuff.  This used to bother my mother to no end.

22.  I can’t stand hot and muggy climates.  You can always add layers, but there’s only so much you can take off.  I can’t stand feeling too hot.  I get cranky.  This is one reason why I’m content to live somewhere where it is frequently too cold to snow.

23.  I cut my own hair when I have emotional crises.

24.  I love checklists.  I prefer to create a template for them and print them as needed.  I have them for menu planning (weekly and monthly), grocery shopping (broken down by section of store), housecleaning chores, and daily to-dos.

25.  I am tone-deaf.  Your ears would surely bleed to hear me sing.  It embarrasses me, so I try to do so only when alone, with my son, or with my best friend M.

Tagging:  Jen I., Amanda B., Amanda L., Jenn S., Shannon R., Chris S., Jessica B., Cara W., Becca S., Ali F., Benah P., Kiza M., Ashlee S., Trinity C., Karo S., Doug B., Matt C., MD., Rebecca G., Kelley R., Anjyla K., Tina S., Desiree E., Jenn A., Aimee A-W.

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