Category Archives: writing

30 Days of Truth

I gave this a very brief go in the past. Time to try it again. It’ll probably take me a lot longer than 30 days, since I have a tendency to forget to journal some days. At any rate, it should be fun to do again. Who’s with me?

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Invading

She holds it close
clutching
wrapping it around her
a blanket or a favorite sweater
a hot cup of coffee
enveloping her in swirling steam
the sound of her lover’s voice
seductive and promising
this bitterness that is taking over
a clever parasite
attaching, attacking her nervous system
replacing her soft brown eyes
making all the edges sharper, lethal
the brightness glaring, darkness deeper
her skin bristles, sensitive
recoiling, anticipating harm
coursing through her veins
heating her, boiling her alive
words sparking off her tongue
dripping napalm, fiery, explosive
displacing oxygen in her brain
thoughts breaking, raging, racing
turning her against herself
turning her into herself
disguised as truth, warmth, familiarity
she holds it close
clutching
this bitterness that has taken over.

Conversational Piece

You sit there across from me,
Your eyes speak hunger, loneliness, anger.
We pretend to talk about the weather
Or something equally inane and unchanging.
It’s been a good day, perhaps,
Or else it’s been a bad one.
They’ll all be mediocre in hindsight.
There’s chatter of lost lives, suspended,
Like wash on the line waiting to be remembered,
Brought in, put away neatly.
I wonder. Maybe you’ve never done your own laundry.
We sit around coffee tables,
Recanting stories to any willing ears,
And we take turns listening —
To ignore what we’re missing,
That which we see behind our eyelids
And all the vaporous smiles.
I nod, mutter something soothing.
It’s all complacency.
I know what you want because my eyes look like yours.
We’re filling silence with words forgotten
The moment they cross our lips,
So we don’t smother each other with these shared
Unspoken desires that threaten to suffocate us like shadows
Or murder us in our sleep for our negligence.
Perhaps we should stop talking.

There’s the door…

I am a thirty-something woman.  I am a queer woman of color, married to a caucasian man.  I am mother to three beautiful, intelligent, precious, mixed race children.  I am a liberal.  Not long ago in our country’s history, my marriage would have been illegal, my children illegitimate, my voice meaningless and unwelcome.  I wonder sometimes if things truly are so different today.

I have a voice.  I have the right to vote.  I exercise that right every election I am privy to because our political/governmental system is flawed, yet is the only one in place, so I use it.  Governmental regulations of a person’s rights have a direct impact on the quality of life said person/groups of persons can achieve.  Electing people to office who want to limit or deny a person’s rights is tantamount to saying that said persons are lesser individuals.

Come tell me personally that I shouldn’t be allowed to speak my mind.  Come tell me that I’m not as important of a person as you.  Come tell me that a corporation has more rights to personhood than I do.  Stand here, face to face with me, and tell me that you want to officially strip me of my potential, that you want to limit opportunities for my children, or that you want to legalize and standardize your hatred and bigotry.

I am not a second-class citizen because of my race, gender/gender identification, sexual orientation, creed, weight, height, taste in music, or sense of humor.  Except, socially speaking, I kind of am.  I’ve been marginalized and/or stigmatized all my life — because of my gender, my heritage, my childhood neighborhood, my intelligence level, my weight, my appearance, my religion, my lack thereof, my sexual orientation/experiences/history, my right to say no, my right to choose, my belief in evolution, my battles with depression and anxiety, my battles with addiction and alcoholism, my ever-ailing health.

So far, I’ve survived everything people have thrown at me and, more amazingly, everything I’ve done to my own damn self.  I’m still standing (with a cane, but still fucking standing).  I am just as much a person as you are.

If you don’t think so, we can stop being friends.  A while back, I had to face losing “friends” over beliefs.  I’m prepared to lose more.  This tends to happen every election season.  I’ve been bracing for a thinning of the ranks.

I have to lay some groundwork here, I suppose.  For example, if you believe in hell and you believe that I am going to burn eternally in it for who I am and/or what I’ve done, but you want to pretend that you can get past that, we pretty much can’t be friends.  Also, if you believe that I am less of a person, entitled to fewer rights than you, because of who I am and/or what I’ve done, yet you want to pretend that you can breeze over that, we pretty much can’t be friends.

I am not less than you.  And I am not going away.

There’s the door… Please feel free to see yourself the fuck out if you don’t like it.

What’s your major?

I’m going back to school. It’s been 50,000 years since I took a class. I’m not sure what mommy-brain has done to my ability to write essays and take exams. I’m a little scared.

Since I’m a full-time stay-at-home mommy of three young attention-grabbers, I’m going to start out light. I’ll probably only take one distance course in the spring semester. UAF is processing my admission deferment now, and I have an appointment with an academic advisor in a little over two weeks.

I majored in petroleum engineering once upon a time, 15 years ago, for about five minutes. At UAA, I was an English major, minoring in philosophy, and considering psychology as a secondary major. Then all manner of things happened, and my school days were over. The visions I had for myself then are vastly different than they are today. I have to take this into account when I look at the disciplinary concentrations offered by UAF, as I wonder what on earth I want to declare as my major.

I’m still completely drawn in by the idea of a dual degree in English and psychology. I’d love to have that as my foundation for the writing career of which I fantasize so often. The advent of ebooks combined with the decline in print media makes me question whether writing could ever be a profitable venture for me. So I ask myself, what else do I like to do?

I’ve looked at computer science/web design. I love anthropology, and as a child daydreamed of being an archaeologist on digs in exotic places, but that hardly seems like me now. I wanted to be a math major once, but even then didn’t know what I’d do with a math degree besides teach, which is something I have no interest in doing. Don’t get me wrong; I love teachers. I value the teachers I had so immensely, and consider many of them my friends today. I just know that teaching is not something I could do well, nor would I enjoy it.

How did you decide what to study?

Sleep fighting

I don’t know much about dream interpretation. For a couple of weeks now, though, I’ve been having some majorly intense dreams and have found myself longing to know more. Many of them would qualify as nightmares; most, in fact. In these dreams, I’m fighting for my life. The person(s) I’m fighting against always change, as do the environments I’m fighting in, but I have a basic theme: I’m hunted, imprisoned, threatened, doomed. Sometimes I try to covertly escape, other times blatantly rising up against my aggressor. I haven’t been successful yet, I’ve died on a few occasions, and woken up more than once with bruises. Other dreams I’ve been having for the last few months are very pointed in their origin, leaving nothing to question, sometimes leaving me shaking for days. A small handful of dreams are very simple, if not a little chaotic. I’m hoping that if I put this out there, just thinking it through will help it resolve itself.  Have you had sleep fights that seem to stay with you?

In Fours

Four Jobs I Have Had:
* Service advisor, heavy duty automotive shop
* Waitress, Village Inn & Denny’s
* Front office admin, psychiatric clinic
* Property coordinator, university

Four Places I Have Lived:
* Anchorage
* Fairbanks
* Delta Junction
* Amchitka Island

Four Movies I Could Watch Again and Again:
* Die Hard
* The Sum of All Fears
* How to Train Your Dragon
* Gone in 60 Seconds

Four Television Shows I Love:
* Alphas
* Firefly
* Boardwalk Empire
* Bones

Four Authors I Enjoy:
* Kathy Reichs
* Margaret Atwood
* Christopher Moore
* Kurt Vonnegut

Four Places I Have Travelled To:
* San Diego, CA
* Austin, TX
* Washington, DC
* Port Aransas, TX

Four Website I Visit Daily:
* http://www.msnbc.com
* http://www.twitter.com
* http://www.ravelry.com
* http://www.facebook.com

Four of My Favorite Foods:
* Spinach dal
* Enchiladas
* Sesame chicken
* Pasta fagioli

Four Places I’d Rather Be:
* At the beach
* Getting a massage
* Visiting old friends
* In a bubble bath

Wee Bit Wednesday

{1} if you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it?

Argentina.

{2} have you broken any bones? 
Yes.  Left clavicle.  Crushed T12 & L1 vertebrae.

{3} who would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?
Pirates.  Especially Johnny Depp.

{4} what are you most excited about right now?

It’s fall!  I love fall.  I love the colors, the falling leaves, the crisp air, the way the sky gets the teensiest bit bluer, I love it all.

{5} what was your favorite tv show as a child?

There was this how-to-draw show I used to watch, and I liked Gummy Bears.  I loved loved loved Bob Ross, and still do.

{6} what message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?
Knowledge is acquired, but wisdom is innate.

{7} if you could be invited to one person’s birthday party, whose would you choose?
Mama’s, because it would mean she’d still be here.

{8} do you believe in luck?
I don’t know.  I think I do.

{9} how many siblings do you have?
This is somewhat complicated.  By birth, I am the oldest of 4, having two younger brothers and a now-deceased younger sister.  I was adopted at birth, into a family that gave me an older brother and an older sister.  This older adoptive sister gave birth to twins when I was six, and my adoptive mother raised them as her own.  This all means that I have 3 brothers and 4 sisters, one deceased.  I’m looking for my biological father, and am pretty sure that the candidate(s) I have in mind have children, so I probably have more half-siblings out there somewhere.

{10} have you had your heart broken?
Oui.

Wee Bit of Me

{one} what’s your guilty pleasure tv show?
I have a few shows I love to watch, like Bones, House, Alphas, and Boardwalk Empire.  I feel silly for how much I love What Not to Wear and Iron Chef America.  My guiltiest pleasure tv show has to be Ancient Aliens though.
{two} ear piercings on men: yes or no?
Um, no, thanks.
 
{three} do you have dish or comcast?
GCI digital cable with HD and HBO.
 
{four} what’s your favorite current fashion trend?
I’ve just discovered that I love a tasteful ruffle, if such a thing exists.
 
{five} if you could learn to do anything, money not being an issue, what would it be?
I want to learn to play the cello, paint with oils, and successfully work from home.
 
{six} red or white wine?
Neither.  I’m an alcoholic in recovery.  Back when I drank, I preferred red though.
 
{seven} what type of food is your favorite (ex. italian, mexican, etc.)
This is a toss-up between Mexican and Italian.
 
{eight} hp or mac?
I’m a PC.  Not a fan of Macs.
 
{nine} what color is your bedroom?
Light blue, and not a nice shade of it.  It’s boring, I hate it, and want to redo it, but haven’t decided on a color yet.
 
{ten} what’s your favorite form of exercise?
Pilates, though I haven’t been doing it lately thanks to back pain.  When I had a gym membership, I loved the stairstepper or elliptical.

Poetry!

I used to long to be a published poet.  I’ve been hoarding my writings for years, squirreling them away, waiting until I felt like I had enough for an anthology.  I decided that I want them out in the world, so they’re going up under the Creative Writings tab.  Please, check them out.  Let me know what you think of them.

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