I don’t know much about dream interpretation. For a couple of weeks now, though, I’ve been having some majorly intense dreams and have found myself longing to know more. Many of them would qualify as nightmares; most, in fact. In these dreams, I’m fighting for my life. The person(s) I’m fighting against always change, as do the environments I’m fighting in, but I have a basic theme: I’m hunted, imprisoned, threatened, doomed. Sometimes I try to covertly escape, other times blatantly rising up against my aggressor. I haven’t been successful yet, I’ve died on a few occasions, and woken up more than once with bruises. Other dreams I’ve been having for the last few months are very pointed in their origin, leaving nothing to question, sometimes leaving me shaking for days. A small handful of dreams are very simple, if not a little chaotic. I’m hoping that if I put this out there, just thinking it through will help it resolve itself. Have you had sleep fights that seem to stay with you?
Category Archives: vents
Protected: Letter to my biological father
Poetry!
I used to long to be a published poet. I’ve been hoarding my writings for years, squirreling them away, waiting until I felt like I had enough for an anthology. I decided that I want them out in the world, so they’re going up under the Creative Writings tab. Please, check them out. Let me know what you think of them.
Daddy dearest…
…or not.
I was adopted at birth by my biological great aunt, Rose, and her husband, Charlie. I had a good life with them. A better life than Joanne would have been able to give me. I’m grateful to her for loving me enough to give me away.
I knew her growing up, but I knew her as my cousin. I remember feeling connected to her, and seeing her at all the major holidays & family events. She was there for every birthday. She was married, had three kids, separated, then dead. She died of liver failure, having drank herself to death at the age of 30. I sobbed uncontrollably, and surprisingly, at her funeral. I was inconsolable and couldn’t figure out why. Mama and Daddy finally told me the truth about my parentage when I was 13 & 14.
Mama was the best mother I could have asked for. We were close. It’s been a little over three years since she died of heart failure, and I miss her immensely. Daddy was a good provider. We never had the best relationship, but we’ve definitely made great improvements to that since I married and had kids of my own.
I sought out my biological father, RN, once, several years back. I corresponded with the man I suspected of DNA contribution. He was married, with kids, and didn’t want to jeopardize his family life by introducing an adulterous love chlid, so he didn’t want anything to do with me.
I moved out of town, married, had kids. I also had/have medical problems. I want to know my parentage, and their medical histories. I can’t ask Joanne anymore, though I might be able to get her records with my original birth certificate. I want to ask RN. Court records show he has since divorced, among other less pedestrian things.
A friend of mine suggested that I list three things I demand to know of him. I plan on emailing/messaging him when I have something written out. I want a medical history. I want pictures of him. I want to know what he remembers of Joanne. I have a million other vague questions, but no idea which ones are most pertinent. I’m curious about any biological siblings that are out there. I’m not looking for a relationship with him. I already have a dad.
How do I phrase such a random, awkward letter to him?
Whoa.
Holy absentee blogger, Batman!
I’ve sort of been writing. Elsewhere. Stuff more for me and less for public consumption. I just haven’t been writing enough, which is likely why I feel… congested? emotionally. Time for a cathartic dump.
I’ve been exhausted, aching, and/or ill, for what seems like for.ev.er. I have depression/anxiety/panic issues, and fibromyalgia, and chronic back pain from an ancient injury. Those are all the basics that are with me on an almost daily basis. I’ve had in increase in migraines (complete with aura, awesome), a resurgence of insomnia, an uptick in panic attack intensity and frequency, and some unexplained diffuse lymphadenopathy which hit me like a freight train. And this has all just been my shit. Each of the kids has had their own (typical, uneventful, unremarkable, viral) illness, and John has had his fair share of ickies.
So through all this shit, a lot of things have taken a back burner. This blog was one. My spinning. My painting. My knitting too, on occasion. Reading, some writing, most frivolous/fun things.
I’ve spent more time primping and preening. I figure if I feel like absolute shit, I will at least look good. Hot, even.
I listen to more music than before. [Side note: each of the kids has a distinct musical preference. JR = bluegrass/jam bands, classic rock. Mia = '80s hair, metal, industrial. River = r&b and hip hop. These are usually incompatible genres, often leading to musical chaos and at least one disappointed child. Thank goodness for Pandora.]
I text more, play Words with Friends, nurse an ever-teething baby.
River’s not really a baby anymore. He’s 26+ lbs of adventure, charm, and mischief. He turned ONE YEAR OLD on July 3. My Itty Bitty Baby Boy is ONE. It’s amazing, and kind of heartbreaking. (He got cake. He loved it. He took his first steps just days before that.)
I’ve reconnected with some really great people. My friends and my music have really gotten me through some crappy times these last few months. Thank you.
My lymph nodes are all starting to calm down, finally. My spleen still hurts, but it too is on the mend. I have medication for the panic attacks and insomnia. Now that I’m getting at least 4 hours of sleep a night and am in less pain, I’m starting to feel like things are looking up.
Maybe I’ll get over this mental block I have about sharing certain things and y’all might see some more posts.
Pictures soon, promise!
Random on a Tuesday
- My youngest sister, Melinda, died at 25 on January 14, 2011.
- We drove to Anchorage for a small memorial service for her, held on Friday, January 21, 2011.
- It’s got me mourning my mother all over again.
- The kids got to play with Grandpa, cousins Faith, Caleb, and Vicky, Aunts Jessie, Tasha, & Sandee, and Uncle Darrell.
- We took family photos at my parents’ house, courtesy of Sandee Rice Photography.
- Back at the hotel, we took the kids down to the swimming pool. They had a blast.
- The chlorine in the pool did crazy tightening things to the dreads forming at the back of my head.
- Bouncing Bears is the coolest place to get kids worn out before a long road trip.
- The living room floor is the greatest place to roll around after many long hours cooped up in car seats.
- The wolf and the orca share the same animal spirit in Yup’ik lore. These are the two animals I debated between in trying to identify the animal essence of my youngest child River. JR is a polar bear. Camilla is a lynx/mountain lion/fox.
- I’ve spun 4 oz of a pinkish-purplish wool/alpaca batt by Bohoknitterchic Spins into 400+ yards of a fingering weight single. Melinda loved pink. I’m going to knit a shawl out of this yarn.
- I’m knee-deep in laundry that needs to be done before we leave Thursday night on vacation.
- I get a kitten after we get back. It will go nicely with the litter box and cat food I got from John for Christmas.
- I’m planning on getting tattooed in San Antonio and Chicago during the next couple of weeks.
- I’ll be starting a Little Acorn Learning curriculum for JR and Camilla after our trip. I’m excited.
- I definitely need to get back to daily workouts. They’ve fallen by the wayside with a marked increase in fibro pain.
- I nearly forgot how comfortable Vans are until I bought a new pair the other day.
- I am very clearly doing anything possible to avoid laundry and packing.
- I have to start all that now, before Thursday gets here.
Sigh.
Day 4 of 30 Days of Truth
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for
Workout: Complete, 20 minutes (Cardio Slimdown by Leslie Sansone, Exercise TV On Demand)
The 30 Days of Truth blogging project took a backburner while I got over a bad fall down the last third of my hardwood stairs. Easing back into it with a 20-minute segment today; didn’t realize how much I’d missed it until now.
Today’s topic: forgiveness. I don’t forgive easily. This could be because I generally assume that individuals are essentially good and trustworthy people. Once I’m crossed (and it takes a bit of effort), that’s pretty much it for me. (Admittedly, this threshold of tolerance is lower when dealing with people in customer service roles. It’s one of my flaws.) I don’t forgive easily. I can hold a grudge until the cows come home, and I’ve moved enough times that I’m not sure if the cows could find me anymore.
The slights I can think of are either understandable (falling within my general life view) or forgotten-yet-unforgiven. Sort of that whole idea of “I was mad about something, and I must have had a good reason.” There are a handful of things that are unforgivable, no matter what. Some of you who know what they are can probably understand why they’re unforgivable. The rest of you probably don’t know for a reason.
Hatred that I’ve harbored over the years has mellowed into a comfortable indifference, settling into a lovely disregard. I’m good with it, so I’ll leave it be.
Reaffirming Myself
Every now and then I think it’s important to reaffirm some things about oneself. So here goes.
* I can be a self-deprecating, judgmental, temperamental, loud, impatient bitch.
* I swear a lot, more than I know I should.
* I’m overweight, and am starting to fully accept and embrace the fact that I will always be robust.
* I am legally blind without my glasses. Bats can see better than I can without my glasses.
* I hate rap. A lot.
* I hate doing dishes. I hate it even more if I’m washing them by hand. I try not to, but it bores the shit out of me.
* I’ve been raped numerous times. I never had the courage to report them.
* I was an addict by the time I was 14.
* I am not to be considered “human” or “awake” until I have ingested my first cup of coffee.
* I love bad movies.
* I eat meat. I saw a bumper sticker that cracked me up: “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, He shouldn’t have made them out of meat.”
* I wear leather and fur too. Well, I own fur. I haven’t sewn it into anything wearable yet.
* I shop at WalMart. I live in the middle of nowhere, and we don’t have a Target yet, so I still shop at Hell.
* I don’t recycle. I wish I did, most of the time, but it’s not easily available where I live.
* I prefer black wood frames for pictures.
* I have OCD. There are some things that have to be done a certain way, every time, or all is not right in my world.
* I dislike vanilla.
* I drink milk from the carton.
* I was a smoker for 15 years. I quit. I still miss smoking, often.
* I hate standing in line at the post office.
* I hate standing in line anywhere, actually.
* I sometimes want to lock myself in the bathroom, light some candles, and take a bubble bath. Or just hide.
* I need about an hour to myself every night, after the husband and the children have gone to sleep, to just be Crystal. I get cranky if this does not happen.
* Sometimes I need more than an hour. Sometimes I feel like I need a month.
* Then I crawl into bed, see the husband and the children sleeping blissfully, and am once again okay.
* I believe in God.
* I do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah. I do not need to be “saved.”
* I cannot ice skate. I can, however, run on Alaskan ice in four-inch heels.
* I prefer to be barefoot.
* I do not regularly shave my legs.
* I love to knit, to learn new techniques, to design, to play with sticks and string.
* I long to be a published poet. I am so grateful that I have started writing again.
* I miss painting.
* I collect coffee mugs.
* I am a staunch liberal. If you know me, you know this.
* I am vehemently pro-choice.
* I enjoy being a housewife and homemaker. So much so that I do not envision returning to work of my own volition. I will if necessary though.
* I try to protect my family from some of the more controversial aspects of myself, for fear of worrying or upsetting them.
* I care less and less about offending other people.
* I sometimes like to piss people off. Just because.
* I regularly crack myself up.
* I am abrasive to many people, largely because I am blunt and opinionated. Oh, and because sarcasm is wasted on some people.
* I am beyond in love with my husband, and I recognize that I am lucky. He gets me. Not only does he get me, he loves me for being me.
* I am memorable.
* I love who I am.
Expounding on Idiots
My last post was a bit vague. There are a lot of idiots in the world, sure, and I encounter my fair share.
But I have one bitch in particular trying to peddle her shit to me. Should she continue to contact me, I’m contacting an attorney to discuss harassment and stalking.
Here’s a brief rundown of what I’ve gone through with this psycho.
I bought my domain name a while back. I’ve invested a lot of time in it. She had the domain name before I did, yet let it expire 6 or 7 months before I bought it up. She wanted to buy it back, and at first I was willing to offer it for sale. After I looked into things some more, she seemed really shady and I wanted nothing to do with her. Here’s my first set of interactions with her:
My conversation with Dawn is below, in reverse chronological order.
My website is http://www.hippiediva.com. Nowhere on the published site is there an auto-complete mailer, I certainly do not know you, nor did you design my website. The woman whose information is listed below has disrupted both of our lives, and somehow used your IP address and email account to send me pretentious emails.
This will be the last email you receive from me, lest you choose to correspond further.
Best,
Crystal McDonald
crystal@hippiediva.com
http://www.hippiediva.com
http://www.hippiedivacreations.comFrom: Dawn Wright-Olivares [mailto:dwo222@hotmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, July 20, 2008 5:23 PM
To: Crystal McDonald
Subject: RE: From The Website…I find it interesting extremely rude that you expect ANYTHING from me. I also find it interesting that the obvious amateur who designed your site has no clue how it works.
In just 48 hours you made me an offer then rescinded the offer. Then, you make a veiled accusation and a demand of me. Who the hell do you think you are? I should publish this. Maybe I will.
Here’s my “guess” – the person who’s email address is showing up in the “from” field – is probably who designed the site?? She had an autocomplete throw her address into the field when she made the page (in front page or the like) and now – anyone who writes to you from your website – looks as if it came from her.??
I owe you less than nothing – never mind an explanation -but like an idiot – I believe in women helping other women. Obviously only ONE of us thinks that way.
Good bye Crystal. May you reap what you sow.
Take Care, D
Dawn Wright-Olivares
US contact: 203-426-7912 (Leave Message)
Email: dwo222@hotmail.com
URL: http://www.FemmeNet.com
http://www.worldwidewebz.com________________________________________
From: crystal@hippiediva.com
To: dwo222@hotmail.com
Subject: FW: From The Website…
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:05:49 -0800I am talking about *this* email. The owner of this email account was not pleased receiving correspondence about this issue, especially considering this email originated from her account.
Quote
From: WOMAN WHOSE ACCOUNT WAS HACKED [mailto:WOMANWHOSEACCOUNTWASHACKED@hotmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2008 6:38 PM
To: crystal@hippiediva.com
Subject: From The Website…Crystal…my name is Dawn and I am BEGGING you for my domain name back! I owned this name and didn’t realize it expired. I have built an entire brand of myself – for myself – for 3 years around hippiediva. My aim name is hippiediva222. My gather name is http://hippiediva.gather.com – the list goes on. I have been travelling for a year around the world and was unaware that the name expired. PLEASE…is there anything I can do to convince you to sell it to me? I am HAPPY to work with you to help get whatever you’d like to get out there. I own software that I’m sure can help as well – however … I’ve been hippiediva for a LONG time now and I REALLY need this domain to complete what I’m doing.
From: Crystal McDonald [mailto:crystal@hippiediva.com]
Sent: Sunday, July 20, 2008 5:01 PM
To: ‘Dawn Wright-Olivares’
Subject: RE: HippieDiva.comI am, however, curious as to how you sent your last email from someone else’s email address. The owner of that account would like to know how you accessed her account as well. I feel that we deserve an explanation.
From: Dawn Wright-Olivares [mailto:dwo222@hotmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, July 20, 2008 4:59 PM
To: Crystal McDonald
Subject: RE: HippieDiva.comWonderful – thank you. I wish you the best.
________________________________________
From: crystal@hippiediva.com
To: dwo222@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: HippieDiva.com
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2008 12:20:42 -0800After further consideration, “hippiediva.com” is NOT for sale.
Time went by, and I figured that I wouldn’t hear from her and life would be good.
Apparently she’s writing memoirs, and thinks I give a shit about reading them as she’s included me in her “memoirs update” email list. One email, fine. Whatever. Two, ok, I’m annoyed. Three, four, or more, well, that’s bullshit. I told her I wanted off her list. She wrote back.
From: Dawn Wright-Olivares [mailto:dwo222@hotmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, November 22, 2008 1:29 AM
To: HippieDiva.com
Subject: RE: Resending: Hippie Diva Memoirs: Chapter 3Hello Miss Crystal. As I see, you are just as nasty and unhappy a person as you were the last time we spoke. I will be publishing your ugliness (via your email – through my blog) just so that everyone knows exactly who you are.
Peace.
Dawn
The ORIGIONAL HippieDivaTake Care, D
Dawn Wright-Olivares
US contact: 203-426-7912 (Leave Message)
Email: dwo222@hotmail.com
URL: http://www.FemmeNet.com
http://www.worldwidewebz.com
________________________________________
From: crystal@hippiediva.com
To: dwo222@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Resending: Hippie Diva Memoirs: Chapter 3
Date: Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:56:48 -0900
You and I have no business with each other. Remove me from your mailings list. I do not want any further interaction with you.
Psycho. What part of “leave me alone” do you not understand? Is her life this lonely that she has to keep bothering me? If so, then that’s just pathetic.
So there, that’s the back story behind my last post about idiots trying to peddle their shit to me. Perhaps you can see why I don’t want it.
Idiots
Why do I encounter so many of them? It’s frustrating, to be sure.
What’s more frustrating is when they think I give a damn about them.
I get that we all have grand thoughts of self-importance. How arrogant indeed to expect others to agree with those thoughts though. If you’re here, reading the random shit that comes pouring out of my head, it’s by your own choosing. If you don’t like what you read, stop coming back. If I wanted to know your random bullshit thoughts, I’d seek them out. Don’t peddle your crap to me. I don’t want it.
