My uncle died yesterday. My cousin’s wife died just days after mom’s funeral. John’s aunt died last week.

I feel surrounded by loss, and kind of like I’m unable to grieve.

I can’t break down in front of JR because it upsets and confuses the poor little guy. I can’t break down with John because he, well, doesn’t know what to do about it when I do which then upsets him. So I feel like I’m stuffing everything.

And I feel a little like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like there must surely be more badness coming, since there’s been so much already.

I was so close to my mama. I’ve talked to her almost every day for… years. Every time the phone rings, I half expect/hope it to be her, but I know better. And I have a thousand worries — did I make her happy? Do I make her proud? Was she scared? Was she in pain? Could I have made it better or easier for her if I had just stayed down there with her? Does she know how much I love her? How much I’ve always loved her?

And I’ll never have answers to these questions. And I’ll never see her laugh again, and how she loved to laugh.

I’ve had some crazy mood swings the last few days, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about those. I have this sense of emptiness, this aching, this longing. I want my mommy.

And everyone means well. But no one knows what to do for me, even though I just want to be able to cry and rage and laugh and… grieve. Yet I feel this need to… contain… my emotions as much as I can for fear of over-emoting on those around me.

Which just means I feel like I’m close to breaking.

I miss my mama.

I wish I could sleep, like really restful deep sleep.

I’m so glad I never have to have anything to do with my sisters and their drama, ever again.

I’m glad my mama doesn’t have to see how they behave.

I wish my mama could talk to me one more time.

I wish the days ahead of me become easier to go through.

I miss you, mama.

The flu sucks. JR was sick for a while, high fevers included. Badness. John and I got sick too. John got off easier than I did. I’m still longing to breathe clearly. And I’m coughing up fun things that make me so very glad I quit smoking. I can’t wait until I’m completely better.

My first crop of dreads lasted three weeks. Then I desperately wanted to run my fingers through my hair, and was somewhat saddened to find out that my hair was still painfully straight and unbound for the most part. It was very simple to get the knots out, and after a single use of conditioner in the shower, they were gone. The husband was ecstatic. I woke up the next day and missed them terribly. I vowed they would come back. I gave John a weekend without them. I’m sure he was happy about that.

My in-laws came up to visit. They are technically still in state, though I think I may only see them one more afternoon before they fly back to Texas. They chose to stay in Fairbanks, 90 miles away, rather than at a motel in town. Thursday night we were graciously able to stay at their hotel. JR had such grand fun running the halls while MiMi chased him! Saturday, John drove them out to Paxson, and I got an afternoon alone. Yesterday we all had brunch/lunch at Buffalo Diner in town, where JR was having so much fun waving hello and goodbye to the toy train that circled the dining area.

Today, I have asked our landlord’s son to ask her if we can have a dog. And the dishwasher that was promised. I’m hoping for good news in both regards.

I dyed my hair today. Garnier Nutrisse, #43, Cocoa Bean (dark golden brown). It’s not a really noticeable difference from my original shade. And the dreads are back. Slightly bigger, and in need of more tightening/backcombing/waxing tomorrow, but back nonetheless.

JR is begging for hugs right now, so it seems this is all I can update right now.

Ok, so I actually started this ‘do a bit over two weeks ago, so not technically “new” but I’ll stop talking semantics.

I know that some of you will not like what I’ve done. And that some of you may have strong opinions about or against people with this style. However, I’ve wanted to do this since I was about 15. I wanted a personal expression. So I started dreads.

Go ahead, give me all the disparaging remarks you’ve got. You might as well. Because the hair is going to be like this for a while.

Here they are, on day 15!!!

Last Saturday was such a busy day!

We started out trying to get to Fairbanks on Friday, actually. There was a milk expiration date mishap that ended with JR throwing up in the truck. We turned around, he got it out of his system, and everything was fine. John had to turn around and go straight to Fairbanks to pick up my meds, and he ran a few other errands while he was there.

Saturday was a busy day. We got a semi-late-ish start, but crammed in so much! First stop was at Sunshine Health Foods for some probiotics and some fabulous Tahitian sandalwood soap (yum!).

Then we took JR to get his first professional BIG BOY HAIRCUT! I cut his hair for the very first time back in January, but this was his first time at a barbershop! He did so well, and now he looks so very handsome!!!

Then I got to go to Inua Wool Shoppe; it’s this fabulous yarn store, and there were so many yummy yarns there! I met a few very nice ladies, and got some great yarns. Also, they gave me two milk crates full of back issues of knitting magazines. Great score.

We also went to Sam’s Club, Old Navy, WalMart, and grocery shopping at Fred Meyer. Holy crap, I actually got shopped out! I never get shopped out! Poor John was frazzled with all that shopping, but he was such a trooper. I had so much fun that day, but boy oh boy was that a busy day!

No, not my father-in-law, but the resemblance is uncanny.

And I’ve heard that he used to get these comments all the time.

See for yourself.

http://timstvshowcase.com/trapperjohn.html

I adore my husband.

I seriously have the best husband out there.

He came home tonight (yay!) after a one-week hitch at work. As if that weren’t enough of a gift, he came home bearing a huge cupid balloon (I do mean huge, it’s bigger than Jellybean), a bouquet of red roses, a box of chocolates, and a bag of Hershey’s dark chocolate kisses because he couldn’t find a box of dark chocolates.

I gave him a hat I knitted up for him — it matches one I made for JR. They have matching hats now, and John loves it. I’ll have to get a pic soon.

I also tried to do as much packing as I could since I know he hates it.

My man is the sweetest. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

Here’s hoping that you’re surrounded by the ones you love today.

Did I tell y’all JR can ask for help?

“Help.” This little plaintive, mildly concerned voice is what I hear, asking me for help.

His hand is stuck inside my nalgene water bottle.

I rescue his hand, trying so hard not to laugh. He says “day-koo” (thank you), and toddles off.

Oh. And he also asks for help getting into things he’s not supposed to touch. That’s priceless.