My very dear friend, Amanda, has multiple sclerosis. Very soon, she’ll be undergoing a stem cell treatment in efforts to become MS-free. As this is costly, and because she is so important to me, I want to help her raise money so that her 3-year-old son can have an MS-free mommy.

For the next month, all proceeds of my pattern sales will go directly to her donation fund. Buy a pattern, donate to a wonderful cause.

You can read more about her story, or donate to her directly, here.

Thank you so much!

Maybe it’s because I’ve been able to be more expressive in my art (written, fiber, visual).

Maybe it’s the increased laughter in our home.

Maybe it’s the cathartic crying after challenging parenting temper tantrums.

Maybe it’s hearing that I make my gorgeous, brilliant, witty husband excited to come home.

Maybe it’s seeing effects, in my body & wardrobe, of my healthier lifestyle choices.

Maybe it’s all the old-school grunge I’ve been listening to, aiding in bringing nostalgic smiles.

Maybe it’s the anticipation my children and I have for the long weekend we’ll have with John for this Christmas weekend.

Maybe it’s knowing we’ll be gaining daylight soon.

Maybe it’s a million little things all combined.

It’s all led to this moment when I declare that, unexpectedly, today I am unabashedly happy.

Happy Hanukkah.

Four Jobs I Have Had:
* Service advisor, heavy duty automotive shop
* Waitress, Village Inn & Denny’s
* Front office admin, psychiatric clinic
* Property coordinator, university

Four Places I Have Lived:
* Anchorage
* Fairbanks
* Delta Junction
* Amchitka Island

Four Movies I Could Watch Again and Again:
* Die Hard
* The Sum of All Fears
* How to Train Your Dragon
* Gone in 60 Seconds

Four Television Shows I Love:
* Alphas
* Firefly
* Boardwalk Empire
* Bones

Four Authors I Enjoy:
* Kathy Reichs
* Margaret Atwood
* Christopher Moore
* Kurt Vonnegut

Four Places I Have Travelled To:
* San Diego, CA
* Austin, TX
* Washington, DC
* Port Aransas, TX

Four Website I Visit Daily:
* http://www.msnbc.com
* http://www.twitter.com
* http://www.ravelry.com
* http://www.facebook.com

Four of My Favorite Foods:
* Spinach dal
* Enchiladas
* Sesame chicken
* Pasta fagioli

Four Places I’d Rather Be:
* At the beach
* Getting a massage
* Visiting old friends
* In a bubble bath

Argentina.

It’s fall!  I love fall.  I love the colors, the falling leaves, the crisp air, the way the sky gets the teensiest bit bluer, I love it all.

There was this how-to-draw show I used to watch, and I liked Gummy Bears.  I loved loved loved Bob Ross, and still do.

{8} do you believe in luck?
I don’t know.  I think I do.

I like Random Tuesdays.  Because they’re random.  Like me.

I’ve been in contact with one man I suspected of being my biological father.  His name isn’t quite the right match, but his age is, as well as his location at the time of my conception.

I’ve found a few other potential bio-dads.  One was a definite ‘no’, one was deceased, and one looks like me.  The one that looks like me lives in Lugoff, South Carolina.  He hasn’t responded to me yet.  Good thing I’m persistent.

My cousin Stephan committed suicide last week at age 26.  He left behind three young sons, and a lot of loving family and friends.  We drove to Anchorage last Friday for his memorial service, but didn’t quite make it.  We stopped for brunch at Rose’s Cafe in Healy, where Mia fell on her front teeth.  She bled a bit, chipping one top front tooth and loosening the other.  We debated whether we should continue to Anchorage or turn back to Fairbanks, and decided to keep on.  We hit up Alaska Native Medical Center as soon as we got to town, and good thing.  Poor Mia had fractured both top front teeth down to the nerve, and they had to be pulled.  She’s fine now, though she pronounces a few things differently, and won’t have any lasting damage to her adult teeth or rampant love of running.

We stopped at Stephan’s wake, where the place was teeming with my extended family and lots of good food.  I saw family members I haven’t seen in years, and learned that a couple of them live up my way.  We were all exhausted from the trip down so we didn’t stay long, but I was there just long enough to give my love and sympathy to Stephan’s mother, Aucha.  My most beautiful, smartest cousin, just like me.  May G-d bless you and keep you.

The kids got to hang out with a few of their cousins, Faith, Caleb, and Victoria, as well as Aunt Jessie and Grandpa.  Mia was completely captivated by all the mountains around Anchorage, poor little mountain-deprived Interior girl that she is.  We were going to take them to Beluga Point before we left town Saturday, but opted instead to take them to Valley of the Moon Park.

That’s where I got to finally catch up with an old friend, Amanda, and finally met her beau Todd and adorable son Mason.  River had fun on the swings, JR climbed on everything in sight (and has declared it his favorite park), and Mia was so taken by Amanda and Mason that she kept talking about them on the way home.  There are many, many more friends I want to see; I’ll be back in Anchorage before too long!

It was fantastic to come home after such a short trip.  My home stays messier than I want it to be, but it’s mine.  Mine, mine, mine!  The animals gave us a great greeting, as has the laundry pile.

John has a new-to-him motorcycle this summer — a 1991 Harley Davidson Sportster.  He got it late in the season, got it fixed up, and takes it out whenever he gets a chance.  I keep pushing for him to get chaps, but possibly not for the reason he wants them.  I picked up a helmet this weekend, so I’m ready just in case I get a chance to ride with him.  Hopefully he can take a long ride this coming weekend since there probably aren’t a lot of riding days left.

I’m still knitting — I have a lot of finished projects that I haven’t pictured because the kids got hold of my camera, leaving me unable to point-and-shoot at my leisure.  That’s also why there are decidedly fewer photos here on the blog.  I have a lot of knitting projects lined up, including a shawl for Amanda (because she admired the ruffly one I was wearing at the park), hats/scarves/mittens for the kids, hats for the nursery at Fairbanks Memorial, items for the upcoming homeless youth shelter, and items for various auctions like the Toys for Tots one held in Anchorage.

I’ve been reliving some drama from 15 years ago in my dreams several nights in a row.  Rather, I should call them nightmares, more appropriately.  I’m pretty much ready for that to stop.  Though last night I dreamed I was the star in a recital, and had all manner of dance training to undergo before the big show.  It was strange.

I’ve been reading about Kabbalah, Jewish mysticism, tarot, and the Torah.  When I’m not reading about spirituality, I’ve been lost in Kathy Reichs books with Margaret Atwood bringing up the rear.

My cholesterol has come down over 50 points, possibly 70, since the beginning of the year, and I’m thrilled about that.  I wasn’t sure if my approach was working.  It’s still not great, but I’m getting there.

Fibromyalgia pain comes and goes.  I feel like I’m finally on the tail end of a flare.  If I hadn’t had two root canals that need to be retouched, I’d probably feel pretty good.

I’m going to scrounge up some dinner now, then hopefully finish a sock I’ve been working on for what feels like forever.

I used to long to be a published poet.  I’ve been hoarding my writings for years, squirreling them away, waiting until I felt like I had enough for an anthology.  I decided that I want them out in the world, so they’re going up under the Creative Writings tab.  Please, check them out.  Let me know what you think of them.

…or not.

I was adopted at birth by my biological great aunt, Rose, and her husband, Charlie.  I had a good life with them.  A better life than Joanne would have been able to give me.  I’m grateful to her for loving me enough to give me away.

I knew her growing up, but I knew her as my cousin.  I remember feeling connected to her, and seeing her at all the major holidays & family events.  She was there for every birthday.  She was married, had three kids, separated, then dead.  She died of liver failure, having drank herself to death at the age of 30.  I sobbed uncontrollably, and surprisingly, at her funeral.  I was inconsolable and couldn’t figure out why.  Mama and Daddy finally told me the truth about my parentage when I was 13 & 14.

Mama was the best mother I could have asked for.  We were close.  It’s been a little over three years since she died of heart failure, and I miss her immensely.  Daddy was a good provider.  We never had the best relationship, but we’ve definitely made great improvements to that since I married and had kids of my own.

I sought out my biological father, RN, once, several years back.  I corresponded with the man I suspected of DNA contribution.  He was married, with kids, and didn’t want to jeopardize his family life by introducing an adulterous love chlid, so he didn’t want anything to do with me.

I moved out of town, married, had kids.  I also had/have medical problems.  I want to know my parentage, and their medical histories.  I can’t ask Joanne anymore, though I might be able to get her records with my original birth certificate.  I want to ask RN.  Court records show he has since divorced, among other less pedestrian things.

A friend of mine suggested that I list three things I demand to know of him.  I plan on emailing/messaging him when I have something written out.  I want a medical history.  I want pictures of him.  I want to know what he remembers of Joanne.  I have a million other vague questions, but no idea which ones are most pertinent.  I’m curious about any biological siblings that are out there.  I’m not looking for a relationship with him.  I already have a dad.

How do I phrase such a random, awkward letter to him?

I prefer left-wing news
I like dark chocolate at night
I wear red lipstick and dresses
and sometimes I’ll pick a fight
I curl my hair and wear high heels
I go to sleep with a light on
I can cook seven course meals
I miss mama like crazy ’cause she’s gone
I can grow plants from seeds
I’m terribly frightened of stairs
I’m afraid that I’m sick
I’m more afraid that no one cares
I keep my hands busy with yarn
and my favorite season is fall
my heart races like a schoolgirl’s
every single time that you call
I have a picket fence and garage
I have three kids, a dog, and cat
I’m a strong loving mother
but I’m so much more than that
I’m creative and witty
I’m sarcastic and smart
I can be really mean
but I have a huge heart
I want to travel and write
I want to paint and to dance
I want to go to the beach
and be surprised by romance
I dreamed I burned dinner
and there was a scenic view
it’s been so many years
and I’m still dreaming of you.
so if, out on the street,
you’d just met me today,
would you choose me again?
or would you walk the other way?