Category Archives: heart

Hallooo…

Crap. It’s been forever since I updated this thing.

We took a trip to TX in late June/early July. Went to my in-laws’ 50th anniversary party, saw J’s side of the family, got some vitamin D. Loads of fun.

After flying back to Alaska, we had an interesting time getting back home. Flew into Anchorage, landed late at night, drove all night toward Fairbanks, arriving at Nenana sometime after 7 am. Couldn’t go any further since a wild fire had blocked the highway. Backtracked an hour or two, took a gravel road connecting the Parks Highway to the Richardson Highway, got a flat tire about 70 miles in. We only had one spare on us, no cell service, no sleep, and just a few bottles of water and some junk food. Amazingly, a few miles after changing the tire, we came across a lodge/tire repair stop. Got a room, got the tire patched, ate, slept, and resumed the journey the next morning. Another 40-ish miles and we were on the Rich, then another two-ish hours and we were finally back home. All in all, it took about 60 hours to get home from Texas.

I lost the rest of July and most of August due to some fun medication complications. JR started 1st grade at the end of August, turned 7 in September, and can now read, write, add, and tie his shoes. He’s such an amazing big boy.

J has had a couple of back operations (to repair a bulging disc) and is recovering slowly but well enough. I’ve had a lot of doctor appointments in my bid to finally find a diagnosis, as well as dealing with part of my Social Security disability appeal. Little to no progress has been made on either front.

Autumn is here, brightening my mood since it’s my favorite season. The kids discovered the simple fascination of a Coleman lantern last night in the backyard. JR very much wants to go camping, though I know that he’d be freezing and unable to last the night through if we actually did it. Next summer.

I got to see Bill Maher and Dave Chappelle when they came up here, got to visit briefly with my dad once, and meet some new people. Also have some new furniture — two new couches, and a matching coffee table/end tables set. Looking forward to rearranging the rest of the house when I have a good day or two; I plan on bringing up a twin bed from downstairs to put in a now-vacant upstairs bedroom, moving a dresser and some shelving units, and changing around various wall hangings. Eventually, I’ll get my china cabinet and antique sewing table from my parents’ house in Anchorage. When it’s all done, home will feel much homier.

Lately, I’ve been sucked into books, predominantly 18th and 19th century lit. I’ve done some writing again, and touched up some paintings. I have lots of ideas for new paintings, and hope to actualize them soon. I’ve also been making some hand-knits for this coming winter.

Ultimately, I just felt like it was time I posted something to say, “Hi. I’m still alive.”

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Got spoons?

Many of y’all have asked me before, “What the hell are you talking about when you say you’re running out of spoons?” This article should help explain things for you in ways I can’t.

I have an undiagnosed autoimmune disease & fibromyalgia. Everyday is like this.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Here’s a PDF download of “The Spoon Theory.” http://db.tt/HhtWtiod

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Jam session

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While you can

First, there was Mama.

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My heart breaks every day, a thousand times a day, because I miss my mama. She was my best friend. She knew everything about me, loved everything about me, was proud of me, helped make me the woman I am today. I miss her so much.

I lost a string of uncles and aunts. I don’t have pictures of them. I wish I did. They look like Grandpa, though. And I miss him, too. He was a wonderful, sweet, wise man.

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My big brother’s best friend, Bill, died. He was like a second big brother to me.

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Then, my littlest sister, Melinda, died of heart failure.

Melinda, daughter Aiyaunah, newborn son Alohnzo

Melinda, with her daughter Aiyaunah (March 2010)

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I lost more cousins.

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Today, my cousin Carolyn.

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Also included throughout these past few years, I’ve lost more uncles. More aunts. More extended family. More loss. Please excuse me if I haven’t pictured someone or listed someone individually. I’ve been incredibly ill the last few years, and I have lost a lot of people.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

We are all stardust.

Speak your truths to your people now, while you can.

Te quiero, Prima

Te quiero, prima. <3

I don’t think I said it often enough, but I love you.

Now, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

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Creativity

After a long, dark year, my doctor and I have stumbled upon a new-to-me medication that is actually working for me. Instead of just existing, I’m starting to come back to life. Here are a few paintings I’ve done recently. Love the burst of creativity that has come with my reawakening.

Birch

Winter Birch. Oil pastels on canvas.

Downcast. Acrylic on canvas.

Night Fire. Acrylic on canvas.

“Happy Birthday” Manicures!

Today is my 34th birthday. Tomorrow is Camilla’s 4th birthday. We got Mama and Mia manicures at Hair, Body & Sol today. We had the GREATEST time.

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This just became “our” thing.  I have already been told we are going to do this for our next birthday.  Mia had the best time talking a mile a minute to the wonderful ladies at Hair, Body & Sol, and picking out the colors she wanted (she wound up with a bright pink base with a warm purple shatter top coat).  She asked what everything was, at least once.  She asked for water.  She said she needed her hair moved out of her eyes.  She asked for a fan so her nails could dry faster.  She asked to get her feet done, too, but that was not on the schedule for today.  Camilla definitely has diva in her blood; it’s good to see that my girl knows what she likes and isn’t afraid to ask for it.  😀

This birthday diva was pretty damn happy with the whole thing.  I love that I’m making such happy memories with her, and setting up a fun new tradition.  I loved my manicure, and I’m certainly eager to go back for more services.  Happy birthday to us!

Blue skies

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Feeling them inside, too. At least a little bit. But for the first time in a grip, for sure.

Rebuttal, of sorts

There have been a lot sentiments that baffle me beyond belief, and I’m confounded further by those who own the sentiments. Like those saying about the most recent school shooting:

  1. This would’ve been prevented if people noticed the warning signs sooner & reported them.
    Saying that if people had only reported this guy would have saved the children from being murdered only spreads survivor’s guilt. There’s enough of that to go around already. Also, there aren’t enough resources or recourse for those who do need help, and would benefit by it.
  2. This is the reason we need to arm all teachers & school staff.
    How can we arm all the teachers & school staff if we aren’t even willing to standardize their working conditions, or pay them a living wage? Are we to expect our teachers to be more like first responders now too?
  3. If only we’d do away with all gun restrictions.
    Yes, doing away with all gun restrictions is clearly the solution. Make them even easier to get than mental health care. That’s fucking logical. Your right to bear arms isn’t worth the price of the lives of these children, is it? What a price to pay. Let’s start throwing virgins into volcanoes again, while we’re at it.
  4. This is why public schools aren’t to be trusted. 
    It’s the fault of public schools? Adam Lanza was homeschooled. Education and indoctrination in all matters starts first with the parents. What was Nancy Lanza teaching him? Should she be held accountable for brainwashing him? Does this idea piss off you other homeschoolers? Good.
  5. The media made him do it.
    And the Twinkies. Don’t forget the Twinkies.
  6. The shooter needed more drugs, or less. 
    Let’s not forget that it’s easier to get guns than it is to get mental health care.
  7. This is what happens when you remove god/church/etc. from school/government/whatever.
    Right. Because invoking your god in school would have made those children bulletproof. The separation of church and state must stand.
  8. God made this happen as punishment for legalizing gay marriage.
    If this is the same god that you want to idolize in schools, no thanks. I don’t want my children exposed to such a hateful deity, or its faithful. Keep your stupid to yourself.
  9. It’s Obama’s fault.
    The radical right doesn’t know how, yet, but it must be Obama’s fault, right? Puh-lease.
  10. Any combination of the above, or whatever else I’ve heard and blocked out.
    I’ve heard a lot of bullshit. I just want to focus less on his motivations than on celebrating the lost children. If we can celebrate their short lives and be a comfort to their families, that will be a good start. Preventing this kind of massacre from happening again is necessary, but I don’t have enough faith in our national conscience to accomplish something so grand.

    I want my children to grow up safely, attend school safely, learn, laugh, and love safely.

Purging

So I kind of fucked off after the whole days of gratitude thing last month. Life happened, gratefulness was present, Thanksgiving dinner came and went, pumpkin pie was had. We were in a deep freeze for a while, hitting -40F for a little while, and we had an occurrence with our sewer line. It froze; we got a company to come out & thaw the lines. Then snow dumped down on us, leaving over a foot of snow in just about a day. School was canceled Thursday, a snow day. It looked so beautiful outside.

Yesterday, my shoulder blades caught on fire, my back spasmed, my legs went all pins-and-needles. It continued through today. Lots of pain, but pretty typical of how my days go lately.

I contacted some old friends. Some are having a bad time. Some are great. I miss them all, and keep thinking about our times together.

Then this asshole shot up a school today. Murdered 20 children. Children. I have no words for what I feel about that.

We tried to have a coworker/spouse Christmas dinner party tonight. Me, John, three of his coworkers and their wives, we went to The Finish Line, a bar/restaurant inside of Alpine Lodge near the airport in Fairbanks. Quaint little place. One of the wives got a shard of glass in her eye. ER doctor couldn’t find it tonight. Another doctor will be seeing her tomorrow. Hopefully she’ll be seeing too. Ridiculously unsafe situation at The Finish Line. I may have sent information to OSHA and the local food establishment health safety guys. I want my new friend to keep her eye, minus the glass.

We ate with one of the couples at Gallo’s instead. Enjoyably diverting company, pleasant meal, kids behaved well for our sitter/adopted stepdaughter. I don’t venture out often — too much pain, illness, etc. — but was out a good long while tonight. Aside from the massive ocular injury, it was a fairly nice evening.

I’m home now, and I can’t stop looking at coverage from today’s massacre. Between that and flashing back to fond memories of old friends, it’s all mashing up inside my brain, and I’ve got this mixed up, visceral, nauseated ache inside me. For once, I don’t know what to do besides vomit words onto a blank page. I’m purging right now since I’m pretty sure I’ve had every emotion today. My amygdala feels like an overclocked processor.

So, yeah.

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