And more

August 28, 2008

More death in the family. A cousin a few days ago (sudden illness, I think), and a not-yet-3-month-old cousin on Tuesday (most likely SIDS, I’m told).

I’m having trouble keeping track, but I’m pretty sure this brings the count to 10, starting with my mother. So 10 deaths in 3 months.

It’s all overwhelming.

I woke up upset anyway, too. I had a dream about my mom, and I was fighting with her. I woke up feeling guilty about it, and all I wanted to do was call her.

I do sometimes talk to her, but it’s so hard to do that because I start to completely break down. And when that happens, it really scares JR. I don’t want to scare him, so I talk to her more when I’m alone. He’ll come up to me, put his hand on my head, and say “No cry.” That just breaks my heart, and makes him incredibly upset when I cry, so I try not to in front of him.

I think I was fighting with her in my dream because I’m angry that she’s not here. And that makes me feel guilty too because I feel so selfish for wanting her here with ME when she was ready to go.

I’m really worried about my aunt. She’s having a hard time with all of the deaths, and I don’t want to see her lose her light, her will to stay. And as much as she loves talking to me, I know that it hurts her too in ways I can’t describe.

I’ve just been railing at god, and I just want to know why. Why all of this. Why now. And I know I won’t get any answers.

Tags:

Comments

Comments are closed.