My uncle died yesterday. My cousin’s wife died just days after mom’s funeral. John’s aunt died last week.

I feel surrounded by loss, and kind of like I’m unable to grieve.

I can’t break down in front of JR because it upsets and confuses the poor little guy. I can’t break down with John because he, well, doesn’t know what to do about it when I do which then upsets him. So I feel like I’m stuffing everything.

And I feel a little like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like there must surely be more badness coming, since there’s been so much already.

I was so close to my mama. I’ve talked to her almost every day for… years. Every time the phone rings, I half expect/hope it to be her, but I know better. And I have a thousand worries — did I make her happy? Do I make her proud? Was she scared? Was she in pain? Could I have made it better or easier for her if I had just stayed down there with her? Does she know how much I love her? How much I’ve always loved her?

And I’ll never have answers to these questions. And I’ll never see her laugh again, and how she loved to laugh.

I’ve had some crazy mood swings the last few days, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about those. I have this sense of emptiness, this aching, this longing. I want my mommy.

And everyone means well. But no one knows what to do for me, even though I just want to be able to cry and rage and laugh and… grieve. Yet I feel this need to… contain… my emotions as much as I can for fear of over-emoting on those around me.

Which just means I feel like I’m close to breaking.

I miss my mama.