Ugh
My uncle died yesterday. My cousin’s wife died just days after mom’s funeral. John’s aunt died last week.
I feel surrounded by loss, and kind of like I’m unable to grieve.
I can’t break down in front of JR because it upsets and confuses the poor little guy. I can’t break down with John because he, well, doesn’t know what to do about it when I do which then upsets him. So I feel like I’m stuffing everything.
And I feel a little like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like there must surely be more badness coming, since there’s been so much already.
I was so close to my mama. I’ve talked to her almost every day for… years. Every time the phone rings, I half expect/hope it to be her, but I know better. And I have a thousand worries — did I make her happy? Do I make her proud? Was she scared? Was she in pain? Could I have made it better or easier for her if I had just stayed down there with her? Does she know how much I love her? How much I’ve always loved her?
And I’ll never have answers to these questions. And I’ll never see her laugh again, and how she loved to laugh.
I’ve had some crazy mood swings the last few days, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about those. I have this sense of emptiness, this aching, this longing. I want my mommy.
And everyone means well. But no one knows what to do for me, even though I just want to be able to cry and rage and laugh and… grieve. Yet I feel this need to… contain… my emotions as much as I can for fear of over-emoting on those around me.
Which just means I feel like I’m close to breaking.
I miss my mama.
We Love You, Mama
Sigh
I wish I could sleep, like really restful deep sleep.
Another Sleepless Night
I’m so glad I never have to have anything to do with my sisters and their drama, ever again.
I’m glad my mama doesn’t have to see how they behave.
I wish my mama could talk to me one more time.
I wish the days ahead of me become easier to go through.
I miss you, mama.
Floating
I am adrift in a sea of emotions
Waves of relief, nostalgia, grief, rage
All take their turns washing over me
Drowning me
There is no horizon, no solace
Just the pressure of the moment, and the next
While I drift without direction, as though without a rudder
I am adrift at sea, lost, without my mother.
Back Home – 05/20/08
I’m home.
It’s been a long week.
I’ve reconnected with estranged extended family and, among so-called friends, I’ve discovered upon whom I can truly rely.
I made it through this last week sober, by the grace of God, though I started smoking again. I’ve disowned my sisters, their husbands/boyfriends, and their kids. I’ve made a shaky peace with my father.
We got in late last night, and received an email today from my MIL telling us of a death on John’s side of the family. Our deepest sympathies go out to Aunt Joyce’s family in this most trying time.
John is back at work for the next week and a half.
It’s nice to finally be back home, but Lord do I miss my mother.
Rest in peace, mama. (05/13/08)
I was too late. 
She passed away peacefully in her sleep at 530 pm. I was on the road, 3-1/2 hours from town, and deep in the mountains where there are no cell phone signals. Yet my phone rang when my sister called to tell me mom had just passed. And as soon as all the information was conveyed to me, the signal disappeared.
Then we got a flat tire 10 minutes outside town.
We came by my parents’ house, dropped off my dog, grieved briefly with my father, left my son with my sister, then went to see my mother.
She was washed, laid out nicely, but cold. I was too late.
I told her several things. I’ll continue to tell her several things. I cried, I kissed her forehead, I held her hand. I told her lots of things. I told her she was a wonderful mommy.
I’m at her house now, filled with her grandkids and great-grandkids, and it feels so strange to be here without her, to know that she is gone.
I don’t know what to expect next.
The matriarch of my family is gone. It seems as though I’m becoming my own next matriarch, if that makes any sense.
I am so glad that her pain is gone, and that she is finally at rest, but I have such a longing in my heart, and an anger I can’t describe.
I love my mommy. Rest in peace.
May Update
This is a book, just to let you know.
We went down to visit my parents weekend before last, and my mom wasn’t sounding well so I took her to the ER. They said she had pneumonia, and sent us home. Saturday she sounded worse, so we brought her back. They admitted her, and by Sunday afternoon she was seeming better so John and I went home (since John had to be at work Monday morning).
Monday evening I get a call from my family telling me I should get back as soon as possible because she’d had a stroke, and things were looking very dire. We didn’t think she’d live out the next day. I was hysterical.
John got a ride home, then drove us down overnight. We got in about 7 am Tuesday morning, and I spent the day at the hospital with her. Since then, she’s had I think one more mini-stroke, and they can’t medicate because of where it all happened or she’ll bleed out. She was looking at potential kidney failure, and her liver was already in overload picking up the slack, all on top of having her pneumonia, diabetes, and congestive heart failure.
It’s been a rough week. She is improving, and it’s looking like she’ll be hospitalized for many weeks. John, JR, and I have all picked up some nasty bug from spending so much time in the ER and hospital. I didn’t even want to do an overnight visit with her because I didn’t want to get her sick.
We took JR to the ER a couple of times. They’d given him an antibiotic for bronchiolitis. Then he started throwing up after we’d give it to him. The second time he did that, we took him back to the ER. They decided not to use any antibiotics, x-rayed his chest/bowels, deemed it a virus, gave us their sympathy, and sent us on our way. John and I are coughing up some nasty green goop. Today JR’s diaper blew out with some foul poo, poor guy.
We’re considering moving down toward the town my parents live in, and if we do that we’re going to move my mother in with us so I can become her full-time caretaker. That would put me in the middle of a million family dramas and battles, but my mommy is worth it. She’s been deemed a good candidate for a stroke rehab program at a different hospital, so she should be transferred there this week. All in all, I think she’s looking at about another 3 weeks in the hospital. It’s her right side that is affected, but she’s regaining strength slowly. She’s certainly determined to get better.
We came back home for the week (so John could finally go back to work), and it’s nice to be here so that we can all mentally regroup. It’s been a hell of a time.
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