30 Days of Truth

I gave this a very brief go in the past. Time to try it again. It’ll probably take me a lot longer than 30 days, since I have a tendency to forget to journal some days. At any rate, it should be fun to do again. Who’s with me?

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


Crap. It’s been forever since I updated this thing.

We took a trip to TX in late June/early July. Went to my in-laws’ 50th anniversary party, saw J’s side of the family, got some vitamin D. Loads of fun.

After flying back to Alaska, we had an interesting time getting back home. Flew into Anchorage, landed late at night, drove all night toward Fairbanks, arriving at Nenana sometime after 7 am. Couldn’t go any further since a wild fire had blocked the highway. Backtracked an hour or two, took a gravel road connecting the Parks Highway to the Richardson Highway, got a flat tire about 70 miles in. We only had one spare on us, no cell service, no sleep, and just a few bottles of water and some junk food. Amazingly, a few miles after changing the tire, we came across a lodge/tire repair stop. Got a room, got the tire patched, ate, slept, and resumed the journey the next morning. Another 40-ish miles and we were on the Rich, then another two-ish hours and we were finally back home. All in all, it took about 60 hours to get home from Texas.

I lost the rest of July and most of August due to some fun medication complications. JR started 1st grade at the end of August, turned 7 in September, and can now read, write, add, and tie his shoes. He’s such an amazing big boy.

J has had a couple of back operations (to repair a bulging disc) and is recovering slowly but well enough. I’ve had a lot of doctor appointments in my bid to finally find a diagnosis, as well as dealing with part of my Social Security disability appeal. Little to no progress has been made on either front.

Autumn is here, brightening my mood since it’s my favorite season. The kids discovered the simple fascination of a Coleman lantern last night in the backyard. JR very much wants to go camping, though I know that he’d be freezing and unable to last the night through if we actually did it. Next summer.

I got to see Bill Maher and Dave Chappelle when they came up here, got to visit briefly with my dad once, and meet some new people. Also have some new furniture — two new couches, and a matching coffee table/end tables set. Looking forward to rearranging the rest of the house when I have a good day or two; I plan on bringing up a twin bed from downstairs to put in a now-vacant upstairs bedroom, moving a dresser and some shelving units, and changing around various wall hangings. Eventually, I’ll get my china cabinet and antique sewing table from my parents’ house in Anchorage. When it’s all done, home will feel much homier.

Lately, I’ve been sucked into books, predominantly 18th and 19th century lit. I’ve done some writing again, and touched up some paintings. I have lots of ideas for new paintings, and hope to actualize them soon. I’ve also been making some hand-knits for this coming winter.

Ultimately, I just felt like it was time I posted something to say, “Hi. I’m still alive.”


Got spoons?

Many of y’all have asked me before, “What the hell are you talking about when you say you’re running out of spoons?” This article should help explain things for you in ways I can’t.

I have an undiagnosed autoimmune disease & fibromyalgia. Everyday is like this.


Here’s a PDF download of “The Spoon Theory.” http://db.tt/HhtWtiod



Jam session





While you can

First, there was Mama.



My heart breaks every day, a thousand times a day, because I miss my mama. She was my best friend. She knew everything about me, loved everything about me, was proud of me, helped make me the woman I am today. I miss her so much.

I lost a string of uncles and aunts. I don’t have pictures of them. I wish I did. They look like Grandpa, though. And I miss him, too. He was a wonderful, sweet, wise man.


My big brother’s best friend, Bill, died. He was like a second big brother to me.

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Then, my littlest sister, Melinda, died of heart failure.

Melinda, daughter Aiyaunah, newborn son Alohnzo

Melinda, with her daughter Aiyaunah (March 2010)

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I lost more cousins.

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Today, my cousin Carolyn.


Also included throughout these past few years, I’ve lost more uncles. More aunts. More extended family. More loss. Please excuse me if I haven’t pictured someone or listed someone individually. I’ve been incredibly ill the last few years, and I have lost a lot of people.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

We are all stardust.

Speak your truths to your people now, while you can.

Te quiero, Prima

Te quiero, prima. <3

I don’t think I said it often enough, but I love you.

Now, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.







After a long, dark year, my doctor and I have stumbled upon a new-to-me medication that is actually working for me. Instead of just existing, I’m starting to come back to life. Here are a few paintings I’ve done recently. Love the burst of creativity that has come with my reawakening.


Winter Birch. Oil pastels on canvas.

Downcast. Acrylic on canvas.

Night Fire. Acrylic on canvas.

“Happy Birthday” Manicures!

Today is my 34th birthday. Tomorrow is Camilla’s 4th birthday. We got Mama and Mia manicures at Hair, Body & Sol today. We had the GREATEST time.









This just became “our” thing.  I have already been told we are going to do this for our next birthday.  Mia had the best time talking a mile a minute to the wonderful ladies at Hair, Body & Sol, and picking out the colors she wanted (she wound up with a bright pink base with a warm purple shatter top coat).  She asked what everything was, at least once.  She asked for water.  She said she needed her hair moved out of her eyes.  She asked for a fan so her nails could dry faster.  She asked to get her feet done, too, but that was not on the schedule for today.  Camilla definitely has diva in her blood; it’s good to see that my girl knows what she likes and isn’t afraid to ask for it.  😀

This birthday diva was pretty damn happy with the whole thing.  I love that I’m making such happy memories with her, and setting up a fun new tradition.  I loved my manicure, and I’m certainly eager to go back for more services.  Happy birthday to us!

Blue skies



Feeling them inside, too. At least a little bit. But for the first time in a grip, for sure.


She holds it close
wrapping it around her
a blanket or a favorite sweater
a hot cup of coffee
enveloping her in swirling steam
the sound of her lover’s voice
seductive and promising
this bitterness that is taking over
a clever parasite
attaching, attacking her nervous system
replacing her soft brown eyes
making all the edges sharper, lethal
the brightness glaring, darkness deeper
her skin bristles, sensitive
recoiling, anticipating harm
coursing through her veins
heating her, boiling her alive
words sparking off her tongue
dripping napalm, fiery, explosive
displacing oxygen in her brain
thoughts breaking, raging, racing
turning her against herself
turning her into herself
disguised as truth, warmth, familiarity
she holds it close
this bitterness that has taken over.

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